Calvin and Hobbes III: Double Trouble
by Swing123
Summary: Sequel to C&H: The Movie, and C&H II: Lost at Sea. When Rupert snd Earl set out for revenge, Calvin and Hobbes are kidnapped by a strange man who wants a rasnom for their return. FINISHED
1. GROSS Funds

_Swing123: I'd like to say, that by the end, things are gonna get a little nasty, so I'm going to say now, that there _will_ be a happy ending here. I promise!_

_(The song, "Calvin and Hobbes" from the band Pure Joy starts playing as the beginning credits come up.)_

_Nickelodeon movies presents..._

_A Warner Brothers Family Entertainment..._

_Jim Carrey..._

_**Calvin and Hobbes**_

_**III:**_

_**Double Trouble**_

_Directed by Swing123_

_Written by Swing123_

_based on the comic strip created by Bill Watterson_

_Music from totally random albums that director came across._

_(Zooms on a yellow house, and music fades away.)_

It was late July.

Calvin and Hobbes were beginning the day just like any other.

They now had two newspaper articles taped to their wall.

One was for when they got lost in the mountain range, and the other one was new

**Lost boy found. Again.**

Once again, Calvin has beaten the odds and survived a month at sea. Or so he says. The ship, however, has not been found. But Calvin retells his story of Rupert Chill attacking him along with a sea monster. He says that the sea monster sunk his ship, and that he and his friend had taken a small cardboard box, and flew off for land. This story amuses many people around the area. And still the mystery has been unsolved. Where has Calvin been for a month? And where is the lost ship? We would like to warn you that Rupert Chill is still on the loose, and that he is armed and dangerous Any sightings should be reported to the police IMMEDIATELY. Although

See BOY page 6

Calvin had once again screamed on how angry he was that no one believed him.

And Calvin's parents had remembered why they wanted to dump him at sea, again.

Although all seemed to go back to normal.

Rupert hadn't been sighted in three weeks, and Calvin and Hobbes had virtually forgot about him.

If only they knew.

Susie was playing on the sidewalk with Mr Bun.

She was performing a ritual known to us only as "THE TEA PARTY".

That's not me talking by the way, Calvin slipped it in while I wasn't looking.

Susie looked around.

Calvin's tree house sat empty on the tree.

Calvin's house was strangely quiet.

Susie was a little suspicious.

She peeked behind all the trees.

Calvin wasn't there.

She climbed up into Calvin's tree house.

Calvin's water balloons lay on the floor.

There wasn't any water in them.

Susie peeked into Calvin's house.

The livingroom was empty.

So was the kitchen.

There wasn't a sound coming from Calvin's room.

Susie scratched her head in confusion.

Usually, when Calvin wasn't around, it meant he was about to blast her with a water balloon.

But all the water balloons in Calvin's tree house didn't have any water in them.

Susie walked back to the sidewalk.

All her dolls were in place, nobody had taken them.

"Where is he?" Susie thought out loud.

It was summer, and it was very unlike Calvin to be inside.

Calvin stood grumpily in line for a movie.

"Mom, why can't I go see another movie?" Calvin asked.

"Because, come on." Mom replied.

"Because come on." Hobbes repeated. "Interesting answer for an interesting question."

"Shut up!" Calvin said. "While we're in that stupid kissing, gooey, romance movie,"

"nice description." Hobbes said.

"We're going to go over our finances." Hobbes stared at him.

"Calvin you're six. You don't have to worry about things like that, yet."

"I mean for GROSS finances." Calvin said.

"Ah." Hobbes said.

Just as the movie started Hobbes looked at a small notebook.

"Water balloons?" Calvin asked.

"We bought three packages last Tuesday." Hobbes said.

"The packages were 5 dollars a pack."

Calvin typed that down in a calculator.

"What about slingshots?"

"We bought one Yesterday for long range water balloon shooting. 3 dollars for that."

Calvin typed it in.

"Didn't we buy something else?" Calvin asked.

"Ah, yes." Hobbes said. "We bought a package of blank writable CDs. That was 5 dollars."

"Why did we buy that?" Calvin asked.

"Frisbee substitutes." Hobbes said.

"Oh yeah, I still have that cut on my palm. So lets see. 5 dollars, then another five dollars times three, and three dollars."

Calvin typed it all into the calculator, and hit enter.

"That leaves us with 2 dollars 60 cents." Calvin said. "Huh. GROSS funds are down."

Hobbes yawned, and leaned back in his chair. "Don't blame me."

"We need some way to raise money, because we need to keep the club running! Hobbes! Inventory!"

Hobbes flipped through the notebook.

"Lets see. Five water balloons, one slingshot, two paper hats, three notebooks, a binder filled with our minutes, and two CDs. One scratched, and the other probably still good for a PC."

"Check the schedule!" Calvin said.

"10:30AM: blast Susie with two water balloons. 5:00PM: Blast Susie with three water balloons."

"With five balloons," Calvin thought out loud.

"We'd only be left with two water balloons by the end of the day!"

"Uh, Calvin? Maybe you should do that math again."

Calvin ignored him.

"We need to find some way to get enough money for more water balloons! But how!"

Calvin thought about that all day long.

By 4:30, he come up with a plan.

A plan that Calvin should have dropped, instantly.

But he didn't.

And it caused a bad chain of events.

_Swing123: I'm sorry about this short chapter. It's really hard trying to delay the main part of the movie until the right second. The next chapter will be longer however, I promise._


	2. KIDNAPPED

_Garfieldodie: As a matter of fact, the action starts here, so hold on! As for Galixoid and Nebular, Well, I hadn't planned on putting them in, but I'll see what I can do. _

_LATMC: Don't worry. Everybody will discover Calvin's telling the truth, VERY soon._

A gray, dead looking tentacle closed over a ray gun.

The aliens now looked different. They no longer had yellow compound eyes. Their eyes were now a pure blood color. Their teeth looked more sharper and bloodthirsty.

And this time, they were out for revenge on the -ahem- Earth Potentate.

Expect now, they didn't care what Calvin was.

All they wanted was Calvin.

Rupert pushed a button on his suit. Immediately, He changed into his human outfit.

Earl also pushed a button on his uniform. He changed into a bald thug.

Both Rupert and Earl slipped on their sunglasses.

Then Rupert turned to his terrified crew.

"I don't care what it takes." he hissed. "We're finding that Earthling if I have to kill this entire CREW!"

Rupert and Earl then laughed.

They now meant business.

And they were going to carry out their plan.

A plan that they had used as last resorts on all the other planets.

A plan that never failed.

A plan that kill the leader of the planet, and give them control.

* * *

Calvin put the finishing touches on his posters.

"Here it is, Hobbes!" Calvin yelled.

"Won't people be mad when you make them pay for items that don't exist?" Hobbes asked.

"It's a dog eat dog world, buddy." Calvin said. "Survival of the fittest! Now come on! Help me get these things into my bag!"

Calvin and Hobbes shoved the poster into Calvin's bottomless bag.

"I still don't know how that thing works." Hobbes said, eyeing the bag.

"That's for me to know, and you to stew in mystery and wonder." Calvin shot back. "Now come on!"

Calvin piled his duffle bag into the wagon, and started pulling it.

"Now come on!" He yelled. "Town's just a few blocks away!"

Hobbes sighed, and walked off.

Calvin pulled the wagon into town.

* * *

"Wonderful!" Calvin yelled. "My people!"

"Poor slobs." Hobbes said, staring at some of the people.

"Let us begin our ads for fund raising!"

Calvin walked up to the first person he saw, and shoved a poster into his hands.

"Here, my friend." Calvin said. "engross yourself in knowledge!"

Calvin and Hobbes did this for the net few minutes.

After a While, they didn't even know _who_ they were giving them too.

They were just handing them out.

Calvin gave posters to three hobos, nine teenagers on the streets, and two people who trying to sell things to Calvin.

"What a day!" Calvin sighed.

"That's three hundred posters." Hobbes said. "_Some_ sucker is bound to buy something."

"Yeah." Calvin said, missing Hobbes' sarcasm. "Money, here we come!"

Hobbes sighed and rolled his eyes.

Just then, mom called.

"Calvin! Come here! We've got a surprise for you."

"This better be good." Calvin muttered, entering his room.

Sitting on his bed was a familiar looking man with glasses and a slight mustache.

"UNCLE MAX!" Calvin shouted.

"Hey kiddo." Max said.

"Get the heck out of my room!"

Looking slightly annoyed, Max got up, and exited Calvin's door.

"So, I heard you got lost." He said.

"Yes." Calvin said.

"Are you going to tell your old uncle Max the stories?"

"No."

"Oh come on!" Max said. "Please?"

Calvin looked at Hobbes.

"Bizarre." He said.

He turned back to Max.

"Ok, Maxy! I'll tell ya the stories!" Max smiled.

"Well?" He said.

(Two hours later...)

"...The aliens were closing in! I had no place to go! Then at the last possible second the sea monster..."

Calvin looked up.

Max was asleep on the floor.

"Humph." Calvin grumbled. "Nobody respects me!"

He turned to Hobbes for some comfort.

He was asleep too.

Calvin grumbled and started to walk away.

"Calvin," Mom said. "I wish you'd stop telling the story like that. With the aliens and such."

"But it's true!" Calvin yelled in frustration. "The aliens _did_ attack me! The newspapers won't believe me! Max, won't believe me! _You_ won't believe me!"

Calvin was terribly upset.

Nobody believed him on anything.

He was just one big joke to society.

"I wish they'd believe me." Calvin whispered, walking away from Mom.

Just then, the doorbell sounded.

"Calvin? Would you get that?" Mom called.

Calvin grabbed Hobbes and led him to the door.

A tall man probably in his thirties was there.

He had black hair, sunglasses, a trench coat, red T-shirt, black jeans and red boots on.

Where on earth did he get red boots?

"May I help me?" Calvin asked.

In one smooth motion, the man snapped his glasses off.

He had blue eyes. Calvin's attention was drawn to his hair.

Short.

Very short.

Sticking straight upward.

He had a weird grin on his face, and talked very quickly in a loud voice.

"I hear your... sellin' stuff!"

"Indeed." Calvin said, grabbing the poster away from him. "Would you like to buy?"

"Actually I've found many flaws in it. Shall I list them off? All-righty then!"

The man puckered up his lips, and drew air in making a whistling sound.

Once his lungs were full, he said in a very quick voice.

"The name Calvin is a western theologion guy who believed in things I can't remember right now. and Hobbes is the same, and further more, you spelled 'Hobbes' H-O-B-S, when it is really spelled H-O-B-B-E-S And clearly the name is Calvin and Hobbes, but someone scratched it out, and wrote, Hobbes and Calvin, plus most of these items haven't been invented yet, and I've looked it up, and GROSS isn't a club within any part of this immediate area!" At the end of this fast speech, The man's voice got squeaky and high as he ran out of air, and as the last word left his mouth, he repeated the same weird performance of bringing in all the air through puckered lips.

Calvin continued to stare at him.

"If you came all this way to give me a spell check, you're crazy." Calvin said. "Get your foot out of the door, so I can close it."

The man made his weird grin and hissed. "A-make me!"

"Very well."

Calvin slammed the door right on his foot.

The man's mouth dropped open, and his eyes bugged out, and he uttered the word. "Gasp!"

Yet, still the man refused to remove his foot from the door.

Calvin and Hobbes pushed with all their might against the red boot.

Outside, the man was throwing his head in all directions, while going, "Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah!"

"This isn't working." Calvin said. "Hobbes! Go get Dad's hammer!"

Hobbes rushed away, and then returned with a hammer.

Calvin grabbed it, and was just about to smash The man's big toe, when somehow, the man got the door open again.

He knocked the hammer out of Calvin's hands.

"You wouldn't be trying to hit this poor little man, would you?" He asked.

Calvin stared at him.

"Maybe." Calvin said.

The man raised an eyebrow.

"Actual-ally" he said. "I'd love to buy something that you would be sellin'!"

Calvin grinned.

"Great." Calvin said. "What is it?"

The man rolled his eyes around.

"Uuuuhhhhh... don't want to talk about it here. Too many witnesses."

Calvin turned to Hobbes.

"I like this guy. Lots of individuality."

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"Well, come on!" The man said. "Over here! Like a good little boy!"

"He's has his flaws." Calvin drug Hobbes down the walk and into the yard.

"Ok, give me your money." Calvin said.

The man grinned, evilly.

"_How about this?_"

The man grabbed Calvin by the mouth, and started dragging him away!

"OWW! HEY! HELP! AAA! MY TONGUE! GET BACK OR I'LL LICK YOU!"

The man tossed Calvin and Hobbes into the car.

"I demand an explanation for this injustice!" The man grinned, sweetly at Calvin, then slammed the car door.

"Calvin!" Hobbes exclaimed. "Do you know what's happening to us?"

"Poor salesmanship?"

"no!" Hobbes yelled. "We're being kidnaped!"

"Interesting." Calvin said. "I heard on Court TV that one out of ten kids survives being kidnaped."

"MUST YOU TERRORIZE ME WITH STATISTICS?" Hobbes yelled.

Outside, they heard a voice.

"Calvin! LET HIM GO, YOU MONSTER! DEAR! SOMEBODY HAS CALVIN!"

The kidnaper started laughing like a maniac, then got into the car.

He turned the key into the ignition.

"engine's flooded. No matter" He leaned his arm over the seat. "We can just wait for a second."

"GET OUT OF THAT CAR!" Mom screamed slamming Calvin's baseball bat into the windshield

"Or, we could try it now." The kidnaper said slamming the key into the ignition.

It didn't start.

The kidnaper was beginning to panic.

He looked at the rear veiw mirror.

"Warning!" He said. "Protective parents are closer than they appear!"

Mom slammed the baseball bat, knocking the mirror off.

The kidnaper trned the key again.

This time it started.

"IT'S ALIVE!" The kidnaper shouted in a frankenstein accent, as the car chugged and roared. "IT'S ALIVE! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Calvin then noticed, that there was something familiar about that person. Could it be that it was... No... couldn't be... could it?

Before Calvin could debate on this guy's name, he hit the gas pedal, and roared off in a cloud of smoke.

"So," The man said, talking as if he was taking a Sunday drive. "Tell me about yourself. I love it when I know my victims."

"Name's Calvin, enough about me, tell me you!" Calvin said quickly.

The man turned a crazed look on Calvin.

"I'm an escaped convict on the run from the federal law."

"That's nice." Calvin said.

Hobbes looked from Calvin to the kidnaper back to Calvin.

They were talking as if nothing was happening!

"I have to burn off my fingerprints so the police won't know who I am!"

The kidnaper showed Calvin his burnt off fingers.

Calvin thought about that.

"But if you do that, the police will instantly know you're a criminal on the run." He said.

The kidnaper thought about that.

"Man those guys get me no matter where I turn!" He said.

"Quite annoying isn't it?" Calvin asked.

"Calvin?" Hobbes asked. "Might I remind you that we have been captured by a deprived lunatic who's burnt his hands off to escape jail?"

"Yeah, I know that." Calvin said.

"Why are you talking to him like he's your long lost uncle?"

"I was just trying to make conversation, Hobbes. Can't be rude."

"And who's this?" The kidnaper grabbed Hobbes' hand.

"I think I'm gonna have a heart attack." Hobbes muttered.

"Oh that's just Hobbes. He's a tig..." Calvin stopped. He stared out the car window.

Someone was sitting on a bench, in the park, staring at the car.

But as mysteriously as he appeared the someone disappeared.

"Yes?" The kidnaper asked. "He's a what?"

Calvin was still staring out the window.

"...tiger." He finished.

"Ah. Yes, of corse." He took his hand away from Hobbes.

"Hobbes," Calvin said. "We are in very deep trouble."

"No kidding?" Hobbes asked, sarcastically. "How observant of you."

"Hobbes, I'm not kidding!" Calvin whispered. "I think I just saw Rupert Chill!"


	3. Rupert Attacks!

_Swing123: I'm sorry that I didn't get an Update in on the 22nd like I said I would. As makeup, I'm giving two chapters this week. enjoy._

Rupert and Earl stormed down the sidewalk.

"You go down there. I'll check this out." Rupert ordered.

"Yes, your Highness." Earl said, walking down the block.

Rupert walked up to a store called IGA.

He kicked the entire door over, startling the people inside.

"Ding-a-ling!" He snarled.

The store manager stormed up.

"Who the heck are you? What are you doing here?"

"Name's aren't important." Rupert said, walking up to the manager.

"Do you know what _is_ important though?" Rupert grabbed the shirt collar of the shocked manager. "_Where's Calvin?_"

The shocked manager began to stutter. "I d-don't know who you're talking about!"

"Oh I think you do." Rupert snarled. "Calvin! The Earth Potentate!"

The horrified manager broke out into a sweat.

"What are you talking about? I don't know a Calvin!"

Rupert pulled a ray gun out of his pocket, and pointed it at the man's face.

"I SWEAR!" The manager yelled in terror.

"I don't know where he lives!" Rupert narrowed his eyes to slits through his sunglasses.

He stared into the manager, then dropped him on the ground.

Earl walked up to the first house.

He pulled out his ray gun, and shot the entire door over!

BOOM!

He searched the terrified family in the living room, then left the house.

He walked up to the next door.

BOOOM!

Calvin wasn't there.

BOOOM!

Calvin wasn't there.

Then he found the Dirkins' house.

He blasted the door over.

They weren't home.

Earl growled in frustration, and left.

* * *

The kidnaper had been driving for a very long time.

"Are we there yet?" Calvin mumbled.

"As a matter of fact... yes." The kidnapper replied.

Calvin looked up.

There was a broken down shack in front of them.

The kidnaper kicked the car door over, and fell into the dirt.

Calvin and Hobbes got out and stared at him, as he dusted himself off, and walked over to the shack.

He spun around to Calvin and Hobbes.

"Welcome! To my humble abode!"

He slammed his elbow into the door. It fell over.

The kidnaper tossed his head in the direction where the door once stood.

"Indeed it does need some TLC, but I don't stay in one place all that long anyway."

Calvin and Hobbes walked into the crumby little shack.

"Let me show you to your rooms." the kidnaper said.

He led Calvin and Hobbes up a flight of stairs, and came to the attic.

He opened the door.

As Calvin and Hobbes stepped inside, the kidnaper said. "And this is where you sleep. Night night."

And with that, he slammed the door.

"HEY!" Calvin screamed. "It's only three o'clock!"

"It's only 3:00!" The kidnaper repeated in a mocking tone.

Calvin growled.

Hobbes was downright terrified.

Just then, he saw something.

"Calvin! Look!" Hobbes grinned pointing. "A Telephone!"

Calvin spun around.

Yes, there it was. A telephone!

Calvin and Hobbes ran over to it.

Calvin picked up the receiver.

It was dead.

"Darn!" Calvin spat.

"But look." Hobbes said, pointing. "There are just some wires gone. We could probably put it back together."

Calvin took a piece of the wire.

He studied it.

"Hobbes, this is that time when the "knee bone connected to the foot bone" song won't help. How on Earth can we fix it? We're not engineers!"

"Here let me see." Hobbes said.

He took the wire from Calvin.

He hooked it into the telephone.

It beeped.

"Hobbes!" Calvin grinned. "We're getting static!"

Hobbes took another wire, and plugged it in.

"There it is! The dial tone! Hobbes, you did it!"

"Thank you, thank you." Hobbes said bowing.

Calvin quickly pushed the buttons to his phone number.

Mom answered the phone.

At the table the policemen were listening in with those weird devices.

"Hi Mom." Calvin yawned.

"Calvin!" Mom yelled. "Oh thank goodness! Are you alright?"

"I was alright the day I was born!" Calvin said. "And I've gotten alright-er ever since."

"Calvin listen to me!" Mom hissed. "Where are you?

"Oh some shack over by another shack, without a door. Can't miss it."

Mom blinked.

"Calvin," Mom said. "Has the kidnapper done anything to you?"

"Well, he grabbed Hobbes' head, used my hair as a punching bag, and then shook my hand."

Mom and the Policeman exchanged glances.

"He shook your hand?" Mom asked.

"Yeah, all the time, grinning like some kind of demented Spongebob."

Mom sighed.

"Listen, Calvin." She said. "WHERE are you? Do you think you're still in the same state?"

"Judging by how long we drove, I'd say we're in Butte, Montana." Calvin said.

Just then another voice came onto the phone.

"Oh, hello." It hissed. "This is kidnaper on the other phone, do you read me? I repeat, do you read me?"

'Ok, Mom, I'll just leave you and Kiddy here to talk."

Hobbes was waving his hands at Calvin, frantically.

"Hobbes says hi." Calvin said.

Hobbes slapped his forehead.

"What have you done with Calvin!" Mom snarled.

"You have nothing to worry about." The kidnapper said. "He's with me."

"Give him back!" Mom growled.

"Sure, sure." The Kidnapper said. "I will. If ya pay the ransom."

"Let me talk with Calvin, again!" Mom yelled.

"What? Oh, Ok. Let's see here. You wanna talk with spiky?"

There was a moment of silence.

Then the mocking voice of the kidnapper hissed,

"BOOP! We're sorry. Your call can not be completed as dialed. Please check the number, and dial, again. BOOP! Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop,..."

He then hung up.

Over on the other phone, Calvin and Hobbes listened.

"We're doomed." Hobbes said.

"COCK A DOODLE DOO!" Screamed the Kidnapper the next day, bursting into the attic. "Wakey wakey! Sunny, sunny! Dayey dayey! Getty uppy"

Calvin's eyes, half opened, stared at the kidnapper.

"Wake me up when you see the bus, Mom." Calvin rolled over.

The kidnapper raised an eyebrow.

He leaned over to Calvin's ear and whispered, "tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick... **_BRRI-I-I-I-I-I-I-ING!_**"

Calvin shot three feet into the air, and landed face first in the ground.

"Get the heck up!" The kidnapper yelled. "We gotta lottta stuff to do!"

"Like what?" Calvin said, getting up. "this isn't another..."

Just then Calvin saw the kidnapper.

"AAAA! What are you doing in my room! AAA! MOM! DAD! GET YOUR RIFLE! THERE'S A DEMENTED SPONGEBOB IN MY ROOM!"

All the time Calvin was yelling, the kidnapper made phony terrified looks, and made squeaky girl screams.

Then, the memories of what happened that evening rushed back into his mind.

"Oh. It's you." Calvin said.

"That's correct!" The Kidnapper said.

He spun around, and headed for the door.

"Say," Calvin said, as Hobbes got up. "I never did get your name."

The kidnapper stopped, and turned his head slowly towards Calvin.

"My name?" He hissed.

"Yeah, I never did catch it. What was it?"

The Kidnapper spun around, and grinned showing his teeth.

He slipped on some sunglasses.

"Do you recognize me, now?" He asked.

Calvin squinted at him.

"Nope, I'm still drawing a blank."

The kidnapper rolled his eyes skyward, and muttered, "ehp, ehp, ehp, ehp, ehp!"

He took a comb, and pushed his hair upward.

"How about now?" He asked.

"Uuuhh... No."

The Kidnapper grinned again, and took some black fur off the table by the door.

He held the black fur up to his face.

"Do you recognize me _NOW_?"

Calvin's eyes bulged, his fingers became stiff, and his mouth became very dry.

"**_YOU!_**" He screamed.


	4. You'll Never Guess Who it Was!

"BORN, TO BE WEI-EI-RD!" Screamed the kidnapper roaring down the road in his beat up Ford. "BORN TO BE WEIRD!"

Calvin and Hobbes were huddled in the back seat.

"So what did you do!" he snarled at the kidnapper. "Tell the king to disguise himself as you!"

"No, but it was very convenient that somebody impersonated me!" The kidnapper grinned.

"You've been the real Rupert Chill all along!" Calvin yelled. "And the aliens have been the ones blamed for your crimes!"

"Correct-a-mungo!" The Kidnapper snarled. "My real name _is_ Rupert Chill! And I _was_ impersonated by some clown! But that all worked out, didn't it!"

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"You're not gonna murder us, are you?" Calvin asked.

Rupert laughed. "HA! Of corse not, child! I wouldn't be getting my ransom if I did _that_!"

"Wait a minute!" Calvin said. "What are you going to do with all that money if you can't even go into a grocery store?"

Rupert stared off into space, and thought about that.

"I haven't worked that out yet." He said, finally. "I'm just playing it by ear!"

"Oh." Calvin said.

"First on our grocery list!" Chill grinned. "A new car! Preferably a Mazda 626!"

Chill chugged his beat up, piece of junk into a Mazda car sale.

"First!" Chill whirled around to Calvin. "Everybody will have heard of your disappearance by now! And the ones that aren't celebrating will be on the lookout for you! Therefore, we have to get ya a disguise!"

"What was that crack about everybody celebrating?" Calvin growled. "Everybody I know are probably about to die of grief!"

"I'll bet." Chill said, rolling his eyes.

"Besides!" Calvin crossed his arms. "What are you _possibly_ gonna dress me up as!"

"Funny that you used the word 'dress'." Chill grinned.

"I AM NOT GOING TO WEAR THIS!" Calvin screamed. "IT GOES AGAINST ALL MY RULES ON GROSS!"

Calvin was no longer wearing his usual red T-shirt with black pants.

He was now wearing a yellow dress with red polka dots. He was also wearing high heal shoes. He had red lipstick on, and his hair had been put into a pony tail.

Chill held his hands up to his cheek, in an adoring manner.

Hobbes was behind Calvin, laughing like some kind of deranged monkey.

"Be silent!" Chill said. "Girls don't make noise! Don't hold your hands up at me like that! Girls don't strangle people. And your name is Calmantha."

"I'LL MAKE NOISE! I'LL STRANGLE YOU! MY NAME ISN'T CALMANTHA!"

Hobbes was just about to suffocate under his maddened laughter.

"Alright!" Chill slipped on his trench coat. "While we're in there, you are to refer to me as 'Daadaa'."

"That's sounds painful." Calvin snarled. "Can I at least rub the lipstick off? I can hardly breath with lips this size!"

"Your voice is to boyish." Chill said. "Try talking in a higher voice. And blink your eyes a lot."

"YOU OWE ME BIG FOR THIS CHILL!" Calvin screamed.

Calvin, or should I say, Calmantha and Chill walked into the cabin.

All the time, Calvin was screaming like some kind of crazed elephant.

"Hello." Chill grinned at the manager. "I need a new car."

The manager stared at the insane child on the ground.

"Nice kid ya got there." He said.

Chill and the manager looked down at Calvin.

He was laying on the floor, spinning around in circles, foaming at the mouth, and all the time screaming like an I-don't-know-what.

"Yes, she is, isn't she?" Chill replied, still grinning like a lunatic.

"Well," The manager said, looking away from the insane youngster. "I do have a car you can use."

Chill payed the manager the money, and hopped into his new, gray, Mazda 626.

Calvin was on one of the back seats, banging his head against the seat.

"Thank you my good man!" Chill grinned, driving away.

Before they vanished behind a corner, Calvin slammed his face into the back window, fixed his eyes on the manager, and just stared. Oh, and he was still screaming.

The manager blinked several times, pushed his hat into place, and walked off.

"Next on our list of things to do!" Chill growled. "Camping supplies!"

Chill slammed on his brakes, and nearly crashed into Bob Ward's Sporting goods.

"We will now buy the following. A bunch of packed dinners, some bars, a tent, and all that other junk you'll find camping!"

Chill burst out of the car, and stomped over to the store.

"WAIT!" Calvin screamed. "Can't I be dressed up as something _else_? What If someone I knows, _sees_ me?"

"Your more than fifty thousand miles from your house." Chill said.

"Oh, yeah." Calvin considered.

And so, Calvin remained a girl inside Bob Ward's.

"And now," Chill said. "We are off!"

Chill hit the gas pedal, and roared off.

"AH!" Chill laughed. "The simple life!"

Calvin and Hobbes were glued against the seat.

"RUPERT!" Calvin screamed. "YOU'RE GOING TO FAST!"

"So?" Chill asked.

A police siren came on, and started chasing them.

"Oh." Chill sighed. "Yeah, I forgot. I HOPE THERE'S LOTS OF GAS IN THIS THING!"

Chill shifted into fifth gear, and roared across the highway.

"HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS!" Chill screamed, in a deep voice.

Chill swerved and missed all the cars around.

"How'd you learn to drive like that?" Calvin asked.

"Because." Chill replied.

The police continued to chase the car.

"I can't believe this, Hobbes!" Calvin yelled. "We're in a car that's involved in a high speed chase!"

"Aren't we lucky?" Hobbes said, sarcastically.

"SHARP TURN!"

Chill jerked the wheel to the right, and turned off onto an exit.

Calvin and Hobbes crashed into the right hand side of the car.

"ANOTHER SHARP TURN!"

Chill jerked the wheel again, and this time, Calvin and Hobbes crashed into the left hand side of the car.

"For the record, I blame you." Hobbes said.

Chill started laughing like a lunatic, again, and continued to jerk the wheel left and right.

Then, they turned off onto a country road.

SHARP TURN!"

Chill jerked the wheel again, and roared off the road!

Calvin and Hobbes screamed, as Chill swerved to miss all the trees.

The police car stopped in shock.

Chill narrowed his eyes, and grinned, again.

He jerked the wheel to the right, and went roaring toward a huge wall of rock only a few hundred feet away!

Chill continued to laugh, and kicked the door off the Mazda.

Calvin and Hobbes watched in shock.

"Take my hand if you want to live!" Chill screamed, holding his hand out.

Calvin stared at his hand.

"Do you promise to take all this makeup off me?" He snarled.

Chill glanced at the rock. It was coming up fast.

"Yeah, yeah. sure, sure."

Calvin took Chill's hand. Hobbes took Calvin's hands.

All three of them leaped from the car, and landed in the soft grass.

"Now we can run for our lives." Chill said, calmly.

Calvin, Chill, and Hobbes screamed, and rushed away as fast as they could.

They all dove behind a rock, and took cover.

There was a boom.

Calvin looked up.

The Mazda hit the rock with a huge force, and it exploded with a fiery light!

"Now really!" Calvin said. "How often to get to see a car explode in real life?"

Hobbes stared at Calvin.

"That is such a stupid question, I refuse to answer it." He said.

A hubcap crash landed next to Calvin.

"Alrightee then." Chill said. "shall we go?"

Calvin stared at Chill.

"First you are to remove this hideous dress from my probably now poisoned and contaminated body!" He snarled.

Chill and Calvin walked out of the forest.

Calvin was now wearing his usual choice of clothing, again, and his hair stuck up in spikes, again.

"Welcome to Mexico." Chill hissed at Calvin. "Home to the donkeys and the people who talk weird."

"I want a taco." Calvin said.

"Alright." Chill walked up to a stand, and up to a man with a mustache and a sombrero.

"Senor esta?" He asked. "Getta somy dome so? Si?"

Chill raised an eyebrow.

"Bleahd gee goo goo gaa gaa. See see. hoopity, hoopity, hoopity! Blap blas. C?"

The man stared att Chill, with a blank expression on his face.

"Was that Spanish or Stupidity?" Hobbes asked.

"I dunno." Calvin said. "The only Spanish I know is Uno."

Calvin and Hobbes heard a slap.

They spun around.

The man at the stand had slapped Chill.

"Well, he's just offended the Mexican. Beware angry Mexicans. And don't make fun of their language." Calvin said.

"You did on that ship." Hobbes said.

"What, did you think the Mexican was going to reach through the radio, and slap me?" Calvin asked.

"Never mind." Hobbes said, rolling his eyes.

Calvin took a glance at the newspaper in another stand.

His eyes bulged.

"Hey Chill!" he called. "Could you buy me that newspaper?"

"First he wants the taco, then he wants the newspaper!" Chill growled, grumpily.

He payed the fee, and shoved the newspaper into Calvin's hands.

Calvin read the headline.

**Escaped convict Rupert Chill sighted. Calvin's whereabouts, unknown**

Be on the lookout for Rupert Chill, escaped convict. Has been sighted in many areas around the area. and invaded a local IGA, and attacked the manager.

"I wasn't aware they had English newspapers down here." Hobbes said.

He read the headline.

"Huh." He said. "We're even more doomed than I thought."


	5. Rupert and Earl are Exposed!

_Swing123: This story has taken a big turn, so I think I should explain to my fans what's going on._

_John Chill is a camp counselor at Camp Pine. Rupert, however, took that "evil twin brother" idea, and turned to a life of crime. When the aliens came to Earth, the king learned about Rupert Chill. What was in his mind when he impersonated Rupert, was if he or his crew messed up, and exposed themselves, the escaped convict would be blamed. As of now, The king has completely forgotten about the real Rupert Chill. As for where John Chill is, right now... you'll find out soon enough._

_Also, to escape the confusion of two Ruperts, I'm calling the King the usual "Rupert", but the kidnapper, the real Rupert Chill, will be called "Chill"_

_If you have any more suggestions on how I can avoid confusion with you, let me know. I'll try to clear everything out._

Rupert and Earl met back at the edge of town.

"Have you found him?" They both asked in unison.

"I've searched every house in this stupid city!" Rupert snarled. "Idiot humans. They refused to give me the location of the EP, even when I threatened them! Stupid overprotective moronic space creatures!"

"Same here." Earl sighed. "The humans all stared at me like I was some kind of lunatic when I demanded for the Earth Potentate."

"Well." Rupert snapped. "what do we do now?"

"We could try that house in front of us." Earl said, pointing at a yellow house across the street.

Rupert and Earl stared at it.

Rupert spun around, and grabbed Earl's shirt

"I thought you said you checked all the houses!" Rupert screamed. "Now look at what you've done! You've made us look like fools in the eyes of all the readers! You moron!"

"shall I blast the door over?" Earl asked, changing the subject.

"Do!" Rupert spat.

Earl grinned evilly. He pulled out his ray gun, pointed it at the door, and pulled the trigger.

Mom and dad were in the house waiting for a ransom call from the kidnapper.

The phone refused to ring.

Just then, a loud ZAP addressed from the laundry room.

"What was that?" Dad asked.

Mom looked up, got off the couch, and walked over tot he laundry room.

She gasped.

"Dear!" She called. "The door's been knocked over!"

Dad blinked and rushed into the room.

He stared down at the door.

Smoke was rising from a black burn mark on the door, and the hinges had been ripped off, completely.

"That's weird." Dad muttered.

Just then Mom screamed.

Dad looked up.

Earl was standing in the doorway, pointing a ray gun at Mom.

Rupert pushed past Earl, and barged into the house.

"Ding dong!" he said. "Thanks for inviting me in."

"Rupert Chill!" Mom and Dad yelled. "but how... You... did... What... Did we miss something?"

"Yeah you missed something!" Earl laughed. "You've been missing things since he's been at Summer Camp! All of you have!"

"Expect him." Rupert said.

"Who... What are you talking about?" Dad demanded.

Rupert studied Dad.

"I do believe we've met before." He said, ignoring his question.

He took off his sun glasses.

Mom and Dad gasped.

There were a pair of bloodshot eyes underneath.

"You're Calvin's father, aren't you?"

"AAAAAA!" Mom and Dad screamed.

Rupert and Earl laughed.

With a SNAP, their Space uniforms snapped on, their skin turned gray, Their arms and legs grew outward into tentacles, and their heads turned chrome shaped.

Mom and Dad screamed again.

"Calvin's been telling the truth!" Mom shrieked.

Rupert and Earl grinned, evilly, showing their sharp, jagged teeth.

Rupert ripped out some Nylon rope, and Earl grabbed a gag.

Within three seconds, Mom and Dad were tied, and on the floor.

With them out of the way, Rupert and Earl searched the house.

"Huh." Earl sighed. "I was expecting the Earth Potentate to live in a more impressive castle."

* * *

Rupert blasted the door to Calvin's room over.

He pushed the bookcase by the door over, and all of Calvin's comic books fell out, and the lamp broke.

He ripped off the covers of the bed, then the mattress, then the whole bed.

Rupert tore Calvin's closet door off, and ripped all his clothes out, and strewn them across the floor.

Rupert turned the whole room upside down looking for Calvin.

* * *

Earl picked up a vase in the livingroom, and stared it.

"Be careful with that!" Mom yelled. "That costs five thousand dollars!"

Earl gave Mom a blank stare, then, without looking back at the vase, dropped it, and it hit the floor with a SMASH!

"NO!" Mom yelled.

"How much is this?" Earl asked, grinning picking up a statue.

"Twenty hundred!" Mom yelled.

Earl dropped it on the ground.

SMASH!

Earl grinned again, picked up a clock and stared at Mom again.

"FOURTY THOUSAND!"

SMASH!

Earl picked up another statue and stared at Mom.

"FIFTY... well, actually that one was a gift."

SMASH!

"Dear, please, you're just egging him on." Dad said.

Rupert burst downstairs.

"What are you doing?" He demanded.

"Your highness, pick something weird up, and drop it on the ground. It makes the Earthling scream." Earl said.

"Ya don't say?" Rupert said, rubbing his chin.

He picked up a clock, and threw it onto the ground.

SMASH!

"NOOO!" Mom screamed, tugging at the rope. "THAT CLOCK WAS FIFTY DOLLARS!"

"Ooo, you're right!" Rupert said, excitedly. "It's almost as fun as torturing them!"

Rupert and Earl laughed for a few minutes, tried to gain their breath back, and sighed.

"Anyway." Rupert said. "The Earth Potentate isn't here."

Earl turned a sharp glare on Mom.

"Where is he!" he snarled.

"Earl, let me do the talking." Rupert said.

He pushed Earl away, and turned to Mom.

"Where is he!" He said, dangerously.

Mom and Dad exchanged glances.

"We won't tell you!" Dad declared. "not even if you fry us with your ray guns! Because burns build character!"

Rupert and Earl exchanged glances of near laughter.

"It would be a pity if we'd have to drop more things on the ground." Earl said, trying to muffle his laughter.

Mom gasped.

"He's been kidnaped!" She yelled. "Some guy kidnaped him, and wants him back for a ransom! PLEASE DON'T DROP ANYTHING MORE ON THE FLOOR!"

Dad glared at Mom.

"I'm ashamed." He voiced. "Dear! I thought I told you that losing things builds character!"

"What's already been broken is coming out of _your_ paycheck." Mom said, dully.

"PLEASE DON'T DROP ANYTHING MORE ON THE FLOOR!" Dad begged.

Rupert and Earl ignored Mom and Dad, and turned around, and held a small confrense.

"The Potentate has been captured! I like that guy! Lots of individuality!" Earl said.

"Even so," Rupert said. "Our revenge over him can't be held out!"

"What are we going to do?" Earl asked.

"If I know Calvin," Rupert said. "He'll drive the kidnaper insane with his vocabulary, and never resting vocal cords. I suspect that he'll be home before we know it. With or Without a ransom."

Earl grinned, evilly.

"What are we going to do until then?" He asked.

"Considering how annoying Calvin is," Rupert said. "We probably don't have that much time to set a trap! So, we'll have to hurry!"

Rupert and Earl turned around to Mom and Dad.

"Are you going to kill us?" Mom asked.

Rupert and Earl exchanged glances.

"Earl how much power do you have left in your ray gun?" Rupert asked.

Earl checked a small valve on the ray gun.

"About 2 minutes worth." He said.

"Nah." Rupert said, turning back to Mom. "the power needed to fuel our guns is hard to find on this planet. We're trying to waste as little energy as possible."

Mom and Dad sighed with relief.

"Can we break just one more thing?" Earl asked.

Rupert thought about that.

"Ok. One more thing. Then's it's back to the ship."

Earl grinned, and picked up a vase.

SMASH!

"MY VASE!" Mom yelled.

"MY MONEY!" Dad yelled


	6. Rupert Chill: Old Lady

"HA! Cursed Paleface! You dare enter the camp of Red Chief, the terror of the plains!"

Chill gave Calvin a blank stare.

"OH! I get it! You're playing Indian!"

He put a hand to his forehead, and said, "HOW!"

Calvin gave Chill a blank stare.

"Ok." He said. "You've reminded me of that scene in that stupid Peter Pan movie, and all at once, I've lost interest. Thanks a lot."

Chill blinked.

"Well, uh-huh. Here we are!"

Calvin looked up.

He. Hobbes and Chill had been hiking for a long time, but then, they came to a cave.

"COOL!" Calvin yelled.

He rushed up, and started to go inside the cave.

"HEY!" Calvin yelled. "There's a end to the cave! This thing only goes ten feet into the ground!"

Chill rolled his eyes, and took some sleeping bags out of the backpack he was carrying.

"Well." Chill said. "This is the life! Camping in the middle of..."

"I hate camping." Calvin growled.

Chill's eyes glazed over.

"Oh." He said. "Well, don't think of it as camping. Think of it as..."

"Where's the TV?" Calvin demanded. "I _hate_ this place!"

"There were cheerier people in jail." Chill mumbled.

"What?" Calvin yelled. "Don't mutter."

"Half to you!" Chill said.

Hearing this phrase way to many times from Hobbes, Calvin screamed like a Indian and a homicidal maniac mixed together, and leaped into the middle of Chill.

"DIE!" He screeched. "DIE!"

Chill finally threw Calvin off, but he payed a price.

Calvin took three handfuls of hair with him, and probably part of his ear.

"You dare throw Red Calvin off you!" Calvin spat, turning back to Indian. "You shall be burned at dawn!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"_This kidnapper is in for on long night._" He thought.

After a while, Calvin started getting bored again.

And you know what happens when Calvin starts getting bored.

"_Spaceman Spiff stalks the alien species._" Calvin thought.

He inched for Chill.

"_The alien does not suspect him!_"

Chill was messily eating a can of beans.

"OUR HERO SPRINGS THROUGH THE AIR!"

Chill looked up, just in time to see some disturbed boy land on top of his face.

"HA HA! SPIFF HAS CAPTURED THE ALIEN! HA HA HA HA!"

Chill and Calvin rolled around on the ground, screaming.

Hobbes watched.

Hobbes was just glad that _real_ aliens were here right now. If they were, Calvin would have... Hobbes didn't know what Calvin would've done. But it would have been loud and weird.

At last, Chill pried the lunatic off him. But he had to surrender more hair. Why did Calvin grab onto the hair, as a last resort? It was a mystery Chill would never discover.

RI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-P!

Later that night, Chill had almost fell asleep, when he remembered that Calvin said that he was to be burned at dawn.

He got up, and looked around.

Calvin wasn't there.

Chill was sure that Calvin wouldn't try to escape, because his stuffed tiger was still there.

Chill was also sure he didn't pack any matches, so he went back to sleep.

Calvin was in the food. He was making a trail of gummy bears down the slope, whistling to himself.

About a kilometer away, a Black Bear sniffed the food, and followed the trail.

Calvin continued to make a trail of gummy bears.

When he reached camp, Calvin poured the rest of the bag on Chill's chest.

Then ran away.

"Cruel, I know." Calvin said. "But even _I_ need to have some fun!"

Calvin hid behind a tree, and watched the bear coming down the slope.

"I hope Rupert knows how to play dead!" Calvin snickered.

The bear walked up to Chill, and started licking the food off his chest.

Chill's eyes drifted open.

Then nearly bugged out of his head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" He screamed in a deep, crazed voice.

The bear stood up on its hind legs, and roared.

"Back!" Chill commanded, in an English accent. "back! Back I say!"

The bear stalked for Chill.

Chill grabbed some bear spray, and sprayed it into the bears eyes.

"AH HA HA HA HA HA!" he screamed like a maniac, keeping his hand on the trigger. "I AM IN CONTROL! HA HA HAHA HA!"

It was then that Chill realized what he was spraying into the bear.

"Who switched my pepper spray with Hair spray?" He asked, in sheer terror.

The bear's hair looked presentable now, but he was still angry that Chill had just done something to him.

"Shall I go save him, now?" Hobbes asked, walking up to Calvin.

"No, I will." Calvin said, picking up a rock.

"HEY! SMELLY! GET OUT OF HERE!" Calvin pitched the rock at the bear

The bear turned its nasty look away from Chill.

"Well." Calvin said. "That worked."

"Yeah. It sure did." Hobbes said. "Now the bear's heading for us."

"Oh yeah." Calvin considered.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at the approaching bear for a second, then screamed like maniacs.

"AAAA! BEAR! HELP!"

Calvin and Hobbes frantically started climbing the tree.

"Can't bears climb trees?" Hobbes asked.

"How am I supposed to know?" Calvin asked. "Am I some kind of expert on the subject?"

The bear stared at Calvin and Hobbes up in the tree. It then began to climb the tree.

"Who's idea was it to climb the stupid tree, anyway?" Calvin asked.

Well, you went up it. I was just following." Hobbes replied.

The bear was almost on top of them.

Calvin stared down at the branch it was standing on.

"Hmmmm." He said. "What would happen if I broke this?"

Calvin pulled out his Transfogoromer Gun out, and shot the branch.

It snapped, and the Bear tumbled back to Earth.

"The good old Transfogoromer Gun also works as a laser." Calvin said, proudly.

"Oh delight." Hobbes said. "He has a weapon."

* * *

The next day, Chill woke up with the sound of Calvin.

"BUY A BAG OF CHOCOLATE FROSTED SUGAR BOMBS!" He screamed. "CRUNCHY ON THE INSIDE CHEWY ON THE INSIDE!"

Wonderful good morning, Huh?

Chill got up, and stare at Calvin with bloodshot eyes.

"Oh, good morning." He said. "Sorry. didn't mean to wake you."

Chill stared at Calvin.

"UH." He muttered.

* * *

A little later, they were back on the road.

Only this time they didn't have a car.

"We're going to have to hitch a ride." Chill said. "Hence, we need a disguise."

"No way." Calvin said, firmly. "There is no way you are going to dress me up like a girl again. If you do... I WILL DESTROY YOU!"

"Wouldn't put it past him." Hobbes said.

"No, I'm not." Chill sighed.

* * *

"You will pay dearly, Chill." Calvin muttered.

He was now wearing a beanie, holding a lolly pop, and had his cheeks colored red.

Hobbes was laughing his head off.

Do you know what Chill was dressed as? A fat old woman.

He was wearing a big green dress, had glasses on, wearing high heals, and now talked slower than usual, with a womanly voice.

"A woman's work is never done." He told Calvin.

He shoved his finger into the street, and started his procedure.

Nobody stopped.

"I can't believe that these miss-fits haven't stopped." Chill said.

He led Calvin and Hobbes to a gas station across the street, and walked up to a man filling up his tank.

"Young man." Chill said. "We need a lift. Could you please assist us?"

The man looked up.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I can't." He said.

"My boy and I have been walking the streets for days." Chill said.

"I'm sorry about that but..."

"Is this how you treat _your_ mother?" Chill demanded. "Is this the torture that _that_ poor woman must endure?"

The man shrugged. "Well, my mother has been a little angry..."

"Mmm-hmm." Chill muttered. "You should be working at this gas company with all these other miss-fits. If you had an ounce of humanity left in that shell of yours, then you'd ride me and my boy into town. I have a fish waiting to be fed _as_ we speak."

The man gave Chill a glare.

"Ok, fine, I'll give you a ride. Are you satisfied?"

"Tell your mother that this creature has seen the light." Chill uttered.

At that very moment, over five pounds of fluff fell out of Chill's dress, and the old woman's fat vanished.

The man, Calvin, Hobbes, and Chill all stared at it.

Chill looked up.

"The doctor told me that I'd only have to wear this until _after_ the surgery." He said.

The man leaped into his car, and drove off as fast as he could.

"So much for that idea." Calvin said. "Can I take off the beanie?"

Chill muttered, and grumbled, and stuffed the fluff back into his dress.

He then walked into the gas station.

There was a tall teen at the desk.

"You there, young man." Chill said, continuing to use his old woman voice. "I need to use your telephone."

The teen pointed to the bathroom.

"It's over..."

"The doctor said that the surgery had to be done in the dead of night when there would be no witnesses. What he meant, I have no idea."

"Uh-huh." The teen said. "The phone's over th..."

"No matter how hard you try, you just can't find a good doctor." Chill said. "I'm should just give up, and just lie in bed all day and slowly rot."

"Mm-hmm." The teen said, rolling his eyes. "The phone is over the..."

"What does it take to get a good doctor in this country?" Chill asked. "In my day, the doctors weren't so slothful. I ought to sue the medical center."

"Ma'am," The teen said. "I have to get back to work."

"My doctor must be the worst of them all." Chill complained. "He never cared about my rotting body. All that matters to him is his steady paycheck."

The teen sighed, and walked away.

"You see there?" Chill asked Calvin. "The children of today's general public are so rude, Johnny."

Calvin sighed.

Chill walked up to the phone and dialed Calvin's number.

* * *

Meanwhile, Rupert, Earl, and the crew were all inside Calvin's house, preparing the trap.

Mom and Dad were still tied up.

"No the elctro-net should be over there, you morons!" Earl yelled, pointing at the stairs.

The alien sighed and picked the net up again.

ZZZT!

"AAA!"

Just then the phone rang.

"What that?" An alien asked.

"Is it something else I can break?" Earl asked.

"It's the phone!" Dad yelled. "Somebody answer it!"

One of the aliens waltzed up to the phone, and picked it up.

"Hello? Alien from another planet speaking?"

"Give me that!" Earl screamed ripping the phone out of the other alien's tentacles.

"I'm calling about the ransom." Chill said in his woman voice.

"Who is this?" Earl demanded.

"So rude." Chill said. "In my day the children were most polite people on the planet. And now they've gone to the sewers."

Earl blinked.

"Is this the kidnapper?" He asked.

"My medical bills are as high as the Vampire State Building." Chill said. "For the return of your child, I wish for six million dollars in small unmarked bills delivered to me. And then, my doctor will be satisfied, and will give me surgery."

Earl rolled his eyes.

"That's a high price." Earl said.

"When you deal with a doctor like mine, you have to take what you can when you can." Chill said.

"Maybe if you payed _us_ fifty hundred dollars, we'll take him off your hands, lady." Earl grinned.

"He is a little angel." Chill said. "You'd be lucky if I gave him back for the money. The lousy child that me and his equally lousy father had..."

At that very moment, Earl heard Calvin screaming over the phone.

"**_WHAT DO YA MEAN THIS COMIC BOOK IS FIVE DOLLARS? WHO HAS THAT KIND OF MONEY? WHAT? DO YOU THINK MONEY GROWS ON TREES? I OUGHTA SUE YOU FOR FALSE ADVERTISING YOU UGLY, ZIT-COVERED, PILE OF BOOGERS!_**"

"The idea seems extremely tempting." Chill said.

Earl grinned, and hung up.

* * *

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Calvin droned, no longer realizing what he was saying.

Chill was staring at the road with bloodshot eyes.

His lip was quivering, and his eyes weren't in focus.

Calvin was driving him even more insane then he already was.

At last, they entered familiar territory.

Chill chugged his car up to Calvin's house.

He burst out of the car, grabbed Calvin, and carried him to the now fixed door.

He banged his fist against the door.

A very shaken Mom answered.

"TAKE HIM!" Chill screamed. "I'm about to go **_MAD!_** All it is is Spaceman Spiff this! Captain Napalm that! If I'm have to hear another word from him, I think I'm going to EXPLODE!"

His eye twitched.

"GOOD BYE! AND GOOD RIDDANCE!"

He started laughing like a madman, and crawled into his car.

He turned one last, insane look at Mom, then drove off.

Calvin, Mom, and Hobbes stared after him.

Mom dropped Calvin onto the porch.

"Calvin!" She whispered. "_run!_"

"What?" Calvin asked. "Chill is gone, and all is as it should be."

"It's not the kidnapper." Mom whispered. "It's..."

Mom stopped.

How was she going to say that the aliens had come back for him, if she didn't even believe him in the first place?

Calvin would never let her live it through.

"Yes?" Calvin asked. "It's what?"

It was then that Calvin heard something.

It was a raspy, hacksaw laugh.

The same laugh that had haunted Calvin's dreams for months.

The same laugh that Calvin had tried to forget since the first time he had heard it.

It was the alien.

Rupert Chill.

_And this time, there was nothing around to save him!_


	7. Calvin on the Spaceship

_To Garfieldodie: Yes, everybody will discover that Calvin's not some delusional lunatic (At least about the aliens)_

_To LATMC: I forgot all about Max! Well, he was still there when everything happened._

Calvin slowly turned around.

_There they were!_

Hobbes gasped.

Rupert, Earl, and the rest of the crew were standing over Calvin.

Mom gasped and ran into the house.

Calvin stared at the aliens.

"Blind panic in ten seconds." He told them.

There was a pause, as Calvin watched his watch tick.

Then, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! MOMMMY!"

Calvin and Hobbes started running around in circles, ran into each other a couple of times, then ran into the house.

The aliens laughed.

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes flew across the house, and exploded into Calvin's room.

"Whoa." Hobbes said. "This place is dirtier than usual! Shall I put it in the record book?"

"Shut up!" Calvin yelled. "Where are we going to go!"

"Nowhere!" Rupert snarled coming up the stairs.

Calvin and Hobbes screamed, and slammed the door the door in Rupert's face.

"Ok, really." Rupert said. "When that's all they can do, it's pretty sad."

Rupert blasted the door over.

Calvin and Hobbes leaped out the window.

They crashed into the bushes.

When they got up, they saw that they were surrounded by aliens.

"AAAAA!"

Calvin and Hobbes screamed, and in blind panic, burst right into the middle of the aliens.

For a second. They were all shocked, but it wore off, fast.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed down the streets.

"Hurry!" Calvin yelled. "We can hide in town!"

"You won't get to town." Laughed a voice.

Calvin and Hobbes turned around.

Rupert and Earl were right on their trails on rocket scooters!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed.

Earl reached forward, and grabbed Hobbes.

"AAA!" Hobbes screamed.

Earl laughed, madly, and steered his rocket scooter for the spaceship above Calvin's house.

"HOBBES!" Calvin screamed.

"CALVIN!" Hobbes called.

Rupert laughed, and reached for Calvin.

Calvin screeched to a halt, and ducked.

Rupert's scooter went over Calvin.

"HEY!" Rupert yelled.

Calvin rushed off in the other direction.

When he reached town, he chose the biggest mass of people and dove into it.

Rupert screeched his scooter to a halt.

He pushed a button on the scooter, and started to raise high into the air.

He probed the area for Calvin.

He saw him.

Calvin rushed down an empty alley.

Rupert dropped downward into the alley, and continued his chase for Calvin.

Calvin reached a dead end.

Rupert laughed.

"HA!" He screeched. "So _that's_ what these alleys are for!"

Calvin pressed himself against the wall.

"You aliens may be advanced." He said. "But I am too!"

Calvin grabbed his Transmogrifier Gun out of his pocket, pointed it at the rocket scooter, and zapped it.

ZAP!

The scooter vanished, and in it's place, a wart hog appeared.

"Oh, that's cute." Rupert spat.

Calvin turned around, pointed the Transmogrifier Gun at the wall, and pulled the trigger.

ZAP!

The wall zapped into a flock of birds. They all flew away with a flutter of wings.

Calvin raced out of the alley.

Rupert pushed the Wart Hog away, and chased Calvin on foot.

Calvin rounded a corner, and with a ZAP, Calvin used his Transmogrifier Gun to change himself into an adult.

Rupert rounded the corner.

Many people ran away screaming at the sight of an alien.

Rupert looked at the mass of adults.

He grabbed a pair of red goggles, and slipped them on.

One of the adults started to glow red.

Rupert grinned.

"Nice try, Potentate!" Rupert grinned grabbing hold of one of the adults. "But you can't change your DNA signature."

With another ZAP, the adult changed into Calvin, again.

"Beam us up." Rupert said into microphone.

Just then, the skies grew deathly dark.

Calvin looked up.

The UFO was slowly hovering above the town.

Several people ran away in terror as it approached.

Then, with a ZEEEP, a red light appeared over Rupert and Calvin., beaming them into the ship.

"GET AWAY!" Calvin screamed.

He broke away from Rupert's grasp, and ran through the ship.

"He's getting away!" Earl yelled.

"He won't get far." Rupert smiled.

Calvin burst into the control room, where several aliens were working, complaining about working overtime at minimum wage.

One of them looked up, and looked at Calvin.

"Oh, look," he said, dully. "it's an Earthling. Earl must have brought him on the ship."

"Isn't that the Earth Potentate?" Asked another alien, staring, dully at Calvin.

"Maybe." Another crew member said. "All those humans look the same to me."

Calvin ignored the aliens, and started banging his fists into random buttons.

The ship fell over backward, then lurched forward, then zapped a fire hydrant, sending water up.

"He's messing with the ship controls." One of the aliens said, with no change in tone. "One of us better stop him, before he crashes the ship."

"That's not my area." Said an alien.

"I don't wanna." said another.

"I'm on my lunch break." said another.

And so, they all just stood there, and stared at Calvin, as he preceded to mess up the system.

Earl burst into the room.

"WHAT ARE YOU MORONS DOING!" He screamed.

"Working." All the aliens said, dully.

"ARE YOU BLIND!" Earl shouted. "THE EARTH POTENTATE IS MESSING UP THE SYSTEM! SOMEONE STOP HIM!"

"That's not my area." Said an alien.

"I don't wanna." said another.

"I'm on my lunch break." said another.

Earl slapped his forehead.

"YOU IDIOTS!" He screamed.

He lurched for Calvin.

Calvin screamed, and rushed off.

He entered an examining room.

Hobbes was strapped to a examination table.

Calvin gasped in horror.

Then he saw the whole scene.

"And so," Hobbes concluded to the alien. "That's why all the Asians respect tigers, and led the Lions into that false idea that they're King of the Jungle."

"WOW." The alien said. "And here I thought that tigers were just orange things with four legs and a tail."

"What really bugs me is that some people still think that." Hobbes sighed.

"I feel your pain." The alien said.

"_Wow._" Calvin thought. "_Earl sure has a stupid crew._"

Speaking of Earl, he burst into the room.

Hobbes and the alien stared at him.

"Has the Earth Potentate passed through here, and why aren't you dissecting him, like I told you to?"

"Hobbes here has just told me The Wonderful Tale of Tigers." The alien said.

"I'm firing whoever picks out this crew!" Earl muttered.

Just then, Earl saw Calvin crawling across the floor.

"AH HA!" Earl grabbed Calvin, and lifted him off the ground.

"HEY!" Calvin screamed.

He struggled with all his might, but Earl had a stronger grip than Rupert.

Earl laughed, and walked out of the room.

He threw Calvin into a jail cell, and slammed the door.

"I'll be right back!" He growled.

He left the room, then returned, carrying Hobbes.

He threw Hobbes into the dungeon with Calvin, and slammed the door.

"Since I have idiots for crew members I'm setting the directions to our home planet where the _serious_ ones are! Toodles!"

And with that he slammed the door.

Calvin and Hobbes stared shock at the door.

Earl came back in, moments later with another alien.

"I forgot the guard." He muttered.

He left the guard in the room and slammed the door again.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

Back on Earth, everyone was panicking.

The entire town was empty, and nobody could be seen for miles.

The ship slowly turned around, and then, with a BOOM, they blasted off into space.

Calvin and Hobbes looked out the window of their cell.

Earth got smaller and smaller, then suddenly vanished.

They watched Mars zap by. Then Jupiter, and Neptune, and Uranus, and Pluto, and then that recently discovered planet, Sedna.

"Not good." Hobbes said.

Calvin gasped.

Calvin and Hobbes watched as their home _galaxy_ vanished in an instant.

"Oh great." Calvin said.

"Then again, how many times does one get to see their home galaxy in person?" Hobbes asked.

"Why couldn't Susie have been the Supreme Earth Potentate?" Calvin muttered, sinking to the floor.


	8. And They Didn't Escape

_LATMC: I'm glad that you like the story. Sorry about the libary incedent. Anywya, here's a new chapter._

_Garfieldodie: No, The town won't save Calvin. They'll be worthless. Worthless to the end. However, Calvin will become a hero, finally._

"What time is it?" Calvin asked.

The alien guard stared ahead, and tried to look serious.

"There is no time in space." He said, scientifically.

"I mean on Earth you dumby!" Calvin replied, impatiently.

"Oh... Yeah... Well, um,... Which time zone?"

Calvin rolled his eyes.

"I don't care!"

"OK. Let's go with Mountain Time!"

"Why Mountain Time?" Calvin asked.

"I like mountains." The alien said.

The alien slithered to a large box marked TIME.

"Let's see, here's time for planet Zeekdoo. Here's the time for Mom-palm. Here's Yo-Yo world, here's Drooling Monkey land... Uh... What planet did you live on, again?"

"EARTH!" Calvin screamed. "I LIVE ON EARTH!"

"Right! Earth. Uh... Let's see... Which galaxy?"

"I do believe it that would be the Milky Way." Hobbes yawned.

"Ok, now we're getting somewhere. Uh... Milky Way... Milky Way... Uhhh..."

He stood up, and stared over at Calvin.

"You wanted to know what _time_ it is, right?"

Calvin's his eyes bulged, and he felt his temper rising.

"Oh forget it!"

"I will, thank you very much." The alien guard muttered.

* * *

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'VE DONE IT!" Earl yelled in glee. "WE'VE FINALLY CAPTURED THE S.E.P.!"

"Earth is now ripe for the picking." Rupert growled.

"The only problem is," Earl said. "is that the humans now know we're here. Do you think they might use some advanced technology against us?"

Rupert and Earl stared at each other, then burst out with insane laughter.

"BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Rupert and Earl screeched, holding onto each other for support.

When they were finished, Earl sighed, and said, "I kill me."

"That joke gets funnier every time you use it." Rupert sighed.

"Doesn't it just put more fun into invasion?" Earl sighed.

"Well, ok. Is the plan ready?" Rupert asked.

Earl grinned evilly, and handed Rupert the blueprints.

Rupert's eyes narrowed into slits, and he grinned.

Evilly.

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes sat int their dungeon.

They were getting bored.

"Do you have a DVD in here?" Calvin asked.

"A What-V-What?" The alien asked. "OH! A DVD! Those went out of style on my planet in 1954."

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"Just how advanced are you?" Calvin asked.

"We've already invented VVVs!" The alien said.

"VVVs?" Calvin questioned. "What are those?"

"Vivid Video Vapor." The alien said.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged shocked, and disgusted looks.

"Almost makes one not look forward to the future." Hobbes sighed.

Calvin and Hobbes continued to sit in the cell.

The guard's eyes began to droop.

Suddenly, his head fell over, and he collapsed into a chair, totally knocked out.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at him.

"Ok." Calvin said, slowly. "That was weird."

"Shall we see if we can get out of here?" Hobbes asked.

"How are we going to get out?" Calvin asked.

"No idea." Hobbes said.

"Then let's just forget it." Calvin said.

Just then, the guard started yelling football things in his sleep.

"GO 32!" He yelled throwing his arms into the air.

Tentacles. Throwing his tentacles into the air. He didn't have arms.

Anyway, in the process, he threw the keys into the air, and they landed in Calvin's cell.

Calvin and Hobbes stared down at the keys on the floor.

"Well." Calvin said. "That was easy."

"I'm not sure if I want to meet who hires this crew." Hobbes sighed, shaking his head.

Calvin grabbed the keys, and unlocked the door.

"What are we going to do?" Hobbes asked. "We're in the middle of space."

"You think I don't know that?" Calvin asked.

"Considering that spend most of your time in Laa Laa Land, I don't know _what_ you know." Hobbes said.

"Ignoring that." Calvin muttered. "But anyway, if this is a UFO, it _has_ to have some kind of escape pod or something! It's in the rules!"

"It is?" Hobbes asked, scratching his head.

"Plus this chapter would be extremely boring if we just sat in a cell all day." Calvin added, giving Hobbes a bored look.

"Ah, good point." Hobbes deliberated.

"So let's go!" Calvin grinned.

Calvin opened the door, and looked around.

The coast was clear.

Calvin signaled for Hobbes to follow, and started down the hallway.

Just then, Calvin saw a security camera!

Calvin stopped.

Hobbes walked into him, and nearly had a heart attack.

He probably though he was an alien or something.

Calvin spun around to him, and spat.

"SHHHHH!"

"I didn't say anything!" Hobbes hissed. "You stopped, and I..."

"...Ran into me!" Calvin finished. "Watch where you're going, bonehead."

"Why did you stop, anyway?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin's eyes glazed over.

"I can't remember." He said.

"Then what are we doing here?" Hobbes asked, raising an eyebrow.

"OH!" Calvin hissed. "The security camera!"

Hobbes looked up.

"Oh yeah." He said. "How are we going to get past it?"

Calvin searched his pockets.

"Oh-no!" Calvin whispered. "I must have dropped my Time Pauser back on Earth."

"Well, I'm not sure if I wanted to use that thing, anyway." Hobbes said. "what do you have?"

"The Mini Duplicator and the MTM." Calvin said.

"Lotta help _those_ are gonna do." Hobbes muttered.

"Wait!" Calvin said.

He opened up the Menu in the MTM.

_Electric short out activated_

Calvin pointed the MTM at the camera.

ZAP!

With a blast of electricity, the camera light went out.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed across the hallway.

Calvin then pushed another button on the MTM

_Electricity reactivated_

the light on the camera back on.

"They won't suspect a thing." Calvin grinned.

"Does that thing have a lot of batteries?" Hobbes asked.

"Ummm well I think so." Calvin said.

He turned around.

He gasped.

There were security cameras all over the place!

On the floors, on the walls, and on the roofs.

"We can't waste so much power on this!" Calvin hissed. "We'll just have to go Halloween a little early."

Calvin pushed another button.

Two costumes popped out.

They were alien costumes.

"I'm not getting into that." Hobbes said.

"Hobbes! Our lives are at stake!" Calvin snarled.

"So's my pride." Hobbes said, staring at the costumes. "I'm not getting into something that makes me see fifty hundred pictures at once."

"_Put it on._" Calvin said, dangerously.

"Righto." Hobbes said, grabbing the costume.

Calvin slipped on his costume, and Hobbes slipped on his.

Once they both looked like aliens, they went down the halls no longer worrying about the cameras or the aliens for that matter.

Just then, Calvin and Hobbes ran into the only serious alien in the crew. Earl.

"Who are you?" He asked.

"I'm Cal..." Calvin rolled his compound eyes around. "Calmantha."

Earl stared at Calvin.

"Is that even a real name?" Earl asked.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"It's what _I'm _called." Calvin said, matter-of-factly.

"Sound more like a boy to me." Earl hissed. "what kind of mother calls their boy Calmantha? Or does the "Cal" spell something else?"

"He had a cruel mother." Hobbes sighed.

"Mmm-hmmm. Right." Earl said. "Now what's your name?"

"Hobbmantha." Hobbes said.

"Mm-hmm." Earl said. "what's the name of our home planet?"

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"Oh, that's an easy one!" Calvin grinned. "it's... uh... it's... something. That's for sure."

Earl raised an eye brow. (Ok, maybe he didn't have eyebrows but he did something with his eyes that gave Calvin that impression)

"Could you give me a hint?" Calvin asked.

Hobbes slapped his forehead.

"No hints." Earl said.

"It's uh... Zorm?"

"Strike one."

"Ummm... Koz?"

"Strike two."

Calvin opened his mouth, again.

"Three strikes and you're out, buddy." Earl said, giving Calvin a bored look.

"Ummmm... Uranus?"

Earl ripped Calvin's mask off, revealing his spiky yellow head.

"Hello, Calvin." he said. "Trying to escape huh?"

"My name's not Calvin." Calvin said. "It's Spongebob. Spongebob Squarepants."

"I'll bet it is." Earl yawned.

"So, I suppose I can take off this mask, now huh?" Hobbes asked.

"Yes." Earl said.

"Ah, good. I couldn't breath in this thing." Hobbes took the mask off.

"Nice try, Potentate." Earl said, lunging for Calvin.

"Maybe you'll like this try better!"

Calvin whipped out his MTM.

_Defense Mode activated_

**_BOOM!_**

Earl went flying backward, and crashed into a wall.

"Come on!"

Calvin jumped out of the costume, and ran off.

Hobbes followed.

Earl growled, and hit a button on his uniform.

An alarm went off, and the whole ship was alerted of Calvin being loose on the ship.

"That's not my area." Said an alien.

"I don't wanna." said another.

"I'm on my lunch break." said another.

Earl slapped his forehead.

"I hate this crew." He muttered.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed down the hallway, and rushed through room after room.

"Hey!" Calvin said, trying his luck. "Where can I find an escape pod?"

The alien looked up.

"We're not that stupid, ya know." He said, then back to his work.

"Darn." Calvin muttered.

Just then, Earl burst into the room.

"GET HIM!"

"That's not my area." Said an Alien

"I don't wann..."

"OH JUST SHUT UP!" He screamed.

By this time, Calvin and Hobbes had disappeared again.

"The escape pod is always at the end of the ship." Calvin said. "We have absolutely nothing to... AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Calvin and Hobbes screeched to a stop in front of a tall man with a goatee and sunglasses.

"AAAA!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed. "RUPERT!"

"Did ya miss me?" Rupert snarled grabbing for Calvin.

Hobbes swiped at Rupert's face.

"AUGH!"

Rupert turned his attention to Hobbes.

"GO! Calvin!" Hobbes yelled. "while his attention is still on me!"

"Are you being dramatic, again?" Calvin asked.

"No." Hobbes said.

"Alright."

Calvin rushed off.

"Can I have the decision on whither you kill me or throw me in the dungeons?" Hobbes asked.

"Sure." Rupert said.

"I choose the dungeons." Hobbes said.

"Alright." Rupert led Hobbes away.

Calvin rushed down the corner.

He ran into Earl.

"Eye-yie-eye." Calvin muttered. "There's only two aliens that care about getting me put back in the cell, and I keep running into them!"

Calvin turned to run away, but Earl grabbed him by the head.

"OUCH! Watch the hairdo, Mister!"

"You're going back, _now_." he snarled.

"TEN MINUTES TILL ARRIVAL AT PLANET ZOK." Said a cool robot voice.

"ZOK!" Calvin yelled. "What a stupid name for a planet!"

"That's what we thought when we came to Earth." Earl said heaving Calvin into the cell.


	9. Rupert and Earl Take over the World!

Rupert and Earl walked down the hallway.

"He was one room away from the escape pods." Earl said.

"Yes." Rupert said. "Yes, he was."

He walked over to a room with the sign "SPACE JETS" on it.

"Are we ready?" Rupert asked.

"I've got everything we need." Earl grinned.

They opened up a door to a space jet, and climbed in, Rupert at the wheel.

Rupert and Earl flew out of the UFO.

"Alright." Earl said. "We know the plan?"

"Considering I made it up..." Rupert snarled.

"Oh yeah." Earl grinned, sheepishly.

The space Jet zoomed past Sedna, Pluto Neptune, Jupiter, and Mars in a flash.

You may be asking, "What about Uranus and Saturn?" Well, they just didn't to be around at that particular moment.

Rupert and Earl approached Earth.

"It's almost like they're inviting us." Earl grinned.

The Space Jet landed on the pavement of the deserted city.

"We just need to find one person." Earl said. "...one... person..."

Rupert and Earl searched the entire town, but found nothing.

"Everyone's left." Rupert said. "Now what?"

"They've left this _town_." Earl said. "But someone still has to be here."

At very moment, Earl saw something out of the corner of his eyes.

"See there?" He said. "There we are."

It was Rosalyn.

"YOU THERE!" Yelled Rupert. "HALT!"

Rosalyn looked up.

When she saw two aliens slithering towards her, she did the only thing she could do. She ran.

"Oh no you don't!" Earl snarled.

He whipped a rope, and pelted it at Roz.

The rope wrapped around her legs and she fell over.

"HEY!" She yelled.

Rupert casually slithered up to Rosalyn.

"Hello, Rosalyn." He said.

Rosalyn gasped.

"I know you! You're that alien that Calvin kept talking abou... He was telling the truth?"

"Correct." Rupert said. "and now that he is out of way, Earth is ripe for the picking."

Rosalyn blinked.

"Wasn't it already?" She asked.

"No." Earl said.

"Well, enough chit chat."

Rupert pointed a small ray like gun thing at Rosalyn.

"_Let's get down to business._"

Rupert pulled the trigger.

Rosalyn screamed.

The blast hit her.

Suddenly, she became quiet.

Her eyes turned a bright red color, and a red light surrounded her.

"I love to do that!" Earl laughed.

Rosalyn got up.

"All hail Rupert." She hissed under her breath. "All Hail Rupert."

"I like that part the best." Rupert told Earl.

"Well OK." Earl said. "Give her the word."

"Spread the word around Rosalyn." Rupert growled. "Tell everybody of their new leader."

Rosalyn's eyes flashed blue, then she walked away.

Rupert and Earl followed.

Rosalyn walked up to Calvin's door, and knocked.

Nobody answered.

"Blast the door over." Rupert ordered.

Roz's eyes flashed blue, again, and she kicked the door over with one kick.

"ROSALYN!" Mom yelled. "What are you..."

Rosalyn held up an hand and pointed it at Mom.

A blast of red light illuminated from it.

It hit Mom.

"AA!" She screamed, but then her eyes flashed red, and she closed her mouth.

"What is it?"

Dad ran downstairs.

"Have the aliens..."

Mom and Rosalyn held their hands up at Dad.

"YIKES!" Dad yelled.

Rosalyn missed Dad, but Mom got a direct hit.

"This doesn't build any character." Dad muttered right before his eyes turned bright red.

Rupert and Earl threw their heads back and laughed.

"Watch this." Earl said.

He pointed that same mind controlling ray, and pointed it into the sky.

_**-ZAP!-**_

Rupert grinned.

Yellow rays filled the skies.

Then landed in different places all over the Earth.

Three of the blasts landed in Mexico. Another four landed in... Oh what do you care? They landed in a whole bunch of places on Earth.

"I grantee," Earl said. "We'll have this planet taken over by the end of the day."

They burst out laughing again.

The end of the day came fast.

* * *

Soon, there were only three people on Earth that hadn't been affected by Rupert's Mind control device; Susie, Mr, and Mrs. Dirkins.

Of corse.

The Dirkins were returning from their vacation from Someplace over by California.

They had to go through town though to reach their house.

"Wow." Mrs. Dirkins said. "This place is usually swarming with people."

Susie looked around.

Some building doors had been knocked over, and it had a really haunting silence.

At last, they reached their house.

They all got out, and walked to the front door.

The opened the door, and gasped.

The entire place had been trashed.

Pictures, clothes, and food were strewn across the floors.

Susie found the couch in the kitchen, Susie's Dad found the Refrigerator in the bedroom, and nobody could find the TV.

"What happened?" Mrs. Dirkins wondered out loud.

"I'm going to check my room." Susie said.

She rushed over to the room on the far end of the house.

She opened the door.

Her closet had been ripped out of the wall, and was laying on the floor, her dolls were strewn across the room, and several were missing heads, and the bed was missing.

Susie came back outside.

"My room's been trashed too." She said.

There was no answer.

"Mom? Dad?"

No answer.

Susie walked across the house.

She peeked outside.

There was nobody around.

"MOM!" Susie called. "DAD!"

"Ah, Hello Susan." Said a voice.

Susie spun around.

Rupert was standing on the roof of here house along with Earl. Both were in their human disguises.

"You!" Susie yelled. "But you were in prison! What's going on here?"

Rupert and Earl leaped down from the roof.

"Has Calvin been telling you anything weird, lately?" Earl asked.

Susie stared at them.

"He's been telling me weird things since the day I met him." Susie said. "And they've been getting weirder ever since!"

Rupert and Earl exchanged glances.

"Um... What was the latest weird thing he said?" Rupert asked.

"That the entire population of North Dakota were mindless, nose picking zombies." Susie said.

Rupert and Earl exchanged glaces.

"What was the latest weirdest thing he said about aliens?" Earl asked.

"That Martians were invading the mindless, nose picking zombies of North Dakota." Susie replied.

Rupert and Earl sighed.

"What was the latest thing he said about aliens in a forest and in a cruise ship?" Rupert demanded. "And omit all references to Martians and North Dakota."

Susie thought.

"Oh yeah." She remembered. "He said that a crew of Jupiteroids carried a cruise ship into a forest so the local zombies wouldn't eat them."

Rupert slapped his forehead, and Earl let his head fall to his chest.

This was getting them nowhere.

"Forget the hints." Rupert grumbled.

And with that Rupert and Earl ripped off their sunglasses.

Susie screamed.

Rupert and Earl screamed with laughter, and phased back into their alien forms.

Susie screamed again.

"I know you!" She shrieked. "You're the aliens that Calvin told me about! You showed up in a forest and on a cruise shi..."

She thought for a second.

"Duh." She said to herself.

Rupert grinned, and snapped his fingers.

Right before Susie's eyes, all of the population of the town leaped from their hiding places. Susie;'s parents were in that group. All of them were holding their hands out, and moaning in a deathly fashion.

Kind of reminds you of those nose picking zombies that Calvin was talking about, doesn't it?

Susie screamed.

Rupert put on a microphone headset, and screeched, "SEIZE HER SLAVES!"

"All hail Rupert." The townsfolk said in their none changing tone. "All hail Rupert."

Susie screamed, and rushed out of the group.

The people all reached for Susie, but she made her way out of the mass of people.

"DON'T LET HER GET AWAY!" Rupert ordered, pointing in the direction of Susie.

The public turned chanting that meaningless phrase about Rupert, and started walking after Susie.

That's what made it even more creepy. They didn't run or zoom after Susie. They walked. Just as casually as if they were going for a morning stroll.

Susie ran into town.

That was kind of a mistake.

Hundreds of people emerged from buildings and limped and casually walked for Susie.

Susie was surrounded.

Susie zoomed into a restaurant that happened to be empty at the moment.

She rushed into the kitchen, and locked the door, behind her.

And no, I don't know why the kitchen door had a lock on it.

Susie backed up into the corner of the room, as the society of the town broke the windows over, and stalked for the kitchen door.

Susie panted as she watched several dark figures with glowing red eyes surrounded the door, and stared in at her.

Susie heard Rupert's voice outside of the kitchen.

"The entire restaurant is surrounded, Susan." He said.

Why did Rupert insist on calling her Susan? Susie had no idea.

"I can tell them to break the door over at any time your ready." Rupert said. "Just give me the word."

There was a long moment of silence as Susie stared at the door.

"Uh... Any time now." Rupert said.

Susie continued to stare at the door.

"I'm really getting impatient, Dirkins." Rupert snarled. "I happen to have a _life_!"

Susie blinked.

"Ok, Fine, have it your way! SALVES!"

The public pushed their hands into the door.

It began to bend, and give way.

Susie curled up into a ball, and sat there, shaking. Worthless to the end.

Just then, the door fell over and the entire swarm of people entered the room. Oh, and they were still walking.

Susie screamed.

"AAAA! CALVIN! HELP!

Miss Wormwood shot a blast of red light at Susie.

It hit her, and she became quiet real quickly.

"All hail Rupert." She muttered. "All Hail Rupert."


	10. Planet Zok

"We're home!" Yelled the guard jumping up and down.

"What?" Calvin yelled. "I wanna see it!"

Calvin looked out of the window of his cell.

They were approaching a planet with three moons.

Behind the planet, there were twin suns glaring down at it.

"What are the moons called?" Hobbes asked.

"Creak, Bomb, and Zing-a-ling!" The guard said.

"I'm sorry I asked." Hobbes said.

Calvin stared at the planet and gasped.

"That place is covered in lava!" Calvin screamed.

"Why didn't you tell me that Rupert's planet was ninety percent lava?" Hobbes asked.

"What, did you thought _I _knew?" Calvin snarled.

He spun around to the guard.

"How can anything live on that planet?" Calvin screamed. "about 8 tenths of it is covered in lava!"

"9 tenths." Hobbes corrected.

"Whatever." Calvin snarled.

"We live on the 20 percent that's land." The guard said.

"Ten percent that's land." Hobbes corrected.

"Whatever." The guard said.

"But I think it would be too hot to live on that place!" Calvin yelled.

"We thought it would be too cold to live on Earth." The guard said.

Calvin thought about that.

"Do you even have North or South Poles?" Calvin asked,

The alien thought about that.

"You mean those big white things on the top and bottom of your planet?"

"Yes." Calvin said.

"Nope. Don't have any of those."

"How do drink ice water?" Calvin asked.

"Actually," The alien said. "We drink ice lava."

"**_YOU WHAT!_**" Calvin and Hobbes both screamed.

"Yup." The alien took a glass, and turned a faucet on.

Lava oozed out.

The alien let the lava bleed into the cup. Then, he turned the faucet off, and started drinking.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged disgusted looks.

The alien finished the glass of lava.

"AH!" He sighed. "So fresh. Do you want a glass?"

He offered Calvin a glass of lava.

"No thanks." Calvin said. "I'll stay dehydrated."

"So I suppose you drink what comes out of volcanos, right?"

"Heck no!" The alien yelled. "That lava hasn't been filtered! Who knows what kind of creepy crawlies lurk in an innocent glass of lava ready to eat down our respective bodies!"

"Don't ask him any more questions!" Calvin ordered Hobbes. "That's about enough information to last me for eternity!"

"Oh darn." Hobbes sighed. "I was going to ask them what they had in their swimming pools."

At last, the ship landed.

One of the aliens burst into the room.

"Alright!" He yelled. "Let's go!"

He opened the cell door, and led Calvin and Hobbes away.

"Where are we going?" Calvin asked.

"I have no idea." The alien said. "I'm just throwing you outside."

Calvin and Hobbes blinked.

The alien led Calvin and Hobbes off the ship, then went back on.

Waiting for them was a tall alien in a uniform.

"Ah." He said, "You must be that Earth Potentate that gave everybody such a hard time. Huh. I kind of pictured you taller."

"For the Five hundred thirty one Trillion, Nine hundred fifty six Billion, Five hundred forty nine Million, Six hundred twenty five Thousand, four hundred seventy eighth time! **_I'M NOT THE SUPREME EARTH POTENTATE!_**" Calvin screamed.

"That's what they all say." The alien muttered, leading Calvin and Hobbes away.

"Where are we going?" Calvin asked, avoiding a pool of lava on the black dirt.

"The torture chamber." The alien yawned.

Calvin and Hobbes gasped.

It was then that Calvin saw a magnificent castle.

"Is that where Rupert lives?" Calvin asked.

"Yes."

"Do we get a grand tour of his palace?"

"No."

"Darn."

Calvin, Hobbes and the alien entered a rather large building that had a sign on it that said,

**The Torture Place!**

**Space Monsters and Eggplant Casserole 50 percent off!**

"Eggplant Casserole?" Calvin asked.

"No kidding, we really can use that as torture appliance." The alien said.

"Why am I not surprised?"

The alien walked up to a counter with another alien at it.

"I'll take one Space Monster, please." He said.

"What species?" The other alien asked, halting his wiping of the counter.

"I dunno, what do you what, Potentate?" The alien asked.

"What do you got?" Calvin asked, egarly.

"Calvin!" Hobbes spat.

"Come on, Hobbes! Lemme see a few Space Monsters!"

* * *

The two aliens led Calvin and Hobbes down a hallway with glass chambers.

"We have a _Inviso bombman_" The alien manager said pointing at one of the chambers.

It was empty.

"Where is it?" Calvin asked.

"It's invisible." The manager said.

"Eh?" Calvin said. "what else ya got?"

"Well, we have a_ Mood swing Babbler_" The manager pointed at another chamber.

There was a small creature in it, smiling sweetly at Calvin.

"He's cute." Hobbes commented.

The Small creature whirled around to Hobbes and screeched, "WHO YOU CALLIN' CUTE YOU UGLY BUCKET OF CHICKEN FEET!"

"What did you call it again?" Hobbes asked.

"_Mood Swing Babbler_." The manager repeated.

"Uh-huh."

The creature suddenly got tears in its eyes.

"Oh, Hobbes! I'm terrible sorry! How ever can make it up to you?"

Then it started screaming at Calvin.

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Gad, it can torture you and not even touch you!" Calvin muttered. "What else do you have?"

"There's a _IQ Droner_" said the manager.

Calvin looked at the third one.

It was wearing glasses, and a lab coat.

It pointed at the chalk board behind him.

"Pi is ratio of a circle. It equals approximately 3.14. No man has ever been able to find the whole number to which pi equals. It is one of the many mysteries of math."

"AUGH!" Calvin screamed. "That one's even worse than the other two!"

"He's actually our best seller." The manager said.

"Don't you have anything good?" Calvin asked.

"CALVIN!" Hobbes screamed.

"Well, we did get a special one yesterday." The manager said.

He led Calvin and Hobbes into another room.

Calvin and Hobbes gasped.

There was a gigantic monster chained to the floor.

It was a pure tan color. It had a long jaw, with three inch long fangs, that was dripping drool. It's hands had two inch long claws on it. so did its feet. It had beady black eyes, and it was roaring, and struggling against the chains.

"We'll take it!" Said the alien.

Hobbes fainted, and fell over backwards.

Calvin and Hobbes were led out of the store.

They were led to an arena.

"WHAT?" Calvin screamed. "You're going to let that thing eat us with _everybody watching?_"

"Sure." The alien said. "It's an old sport. Frankly, I'm starting to get sick of it."

Calvin and Hobbes were led into the building. Outside, Calvin heard a chanting crowd.

"Oh great." Calvin sighed. "We're about to get eaten!"

Calvin looked at Hobbes.

He was muttering to himself, and glaring at everything.

"Unless..." Calvin thought.

Calvin tiptoed over to a gun on the alien's belt with the words "Imago-gun" on it.

Calvin grabbed it.

"HEY!" The alien screamed.

He lurched for Calvin, But Calvin had already pointed it at his head, and hit the trigger.

BOOOM!

The alien coughed, and pushed the smoke away.

"I know... COUGH, COUGH... you're in here somewhere! COUGH! COUGH! Where are you? COUGH! COUGH!"

The alien then felt something.

"Got you!" He snarled.

He yanked the figure out of the smoke cloud.

"Hello." Spaceman Spiff said. "Did you miss me?"

"Something very painful is about to happen to me, isn't there?" The alien asked.

"Yup." Spiff grinned.

Spiff grabbed his Death Ray Blaster, and BOOM! The alien went screaming into the wall.

Seconds later, Stupendous Man, Tracer Bullet, and Calvin emerged from the smoke cloud.

Hobbes stared at the four grinning Calvins.

"Well," Hobbes sighed. "It's been a nice life."

"Oh, shut up!" Calvin spat. "Know listen! Rupert and Earl are taking over Earth."

"Who's Earl?" Tracer asked.

"The ship captain!" Calvin yelled. "Didn't you know that?"

"Not really." Spiff said. "He wasn't called Earl until the end of the second movie."

"Forget Earl!" Calvin yelled. "They're both taking over Earth as we speak!"

"THEY ARE?" The three alter egos yelled in unison.

"They are." Calvin said. "And we need _you_ to stop them!"

The three alter egos exchanged glances.

"Uh... Well," Spiff mumbled. "We'd love to but uh... We have a dentist appointment to get to."

"You are imaginary people of my mind." Calvin said, dully.

"Oh fine." Tracer said. "Well do it."

There was a moment of silence.

"Um..." Stupendous man asked, "What do we have to do?"

"You have to go to Earth and defeat Rupert!" Calvin yelled impatiently.

"Oh." Spiff said.

"Now get going!" Calvin yelled.

"Wait!" Tracer yelled. "What about our plan?"

"That's your problem." Calvin said. "Me and Hobbes have bigger things to worry about right now."

Calvin and Hobbes heard a roar outside, and gulped.

"Ok." Tracer said. "Save Earth, defeat villain, become heros... sigh... Another day."

The other two alter egos nodded in agreement.

"Now hurry up, and go!" Calvin said. "We're running out of room for this chapter!"

Spiff, Tracer, and Stupendous man gulped, and rushed out of the arena.

If Calvin would've knew what would have happened, he wouldn't have sent his alter egos after Rupert.


	11. Beware the Goose of Death

"Alright." Spiff said. "Calvin says that Rupert has conquered the Earth."

"I'll have to ask him what that's like." Tracer said.

"All we have to do, is take my spaceship, and try and escape this planet." Spiff said. "Then we'll pop back to Earth, and melodramatically save Earth."

"Even though everyone on Earth are jerks?" Tracer asked.

"Even though everyone on Earth are jerks." Spiff answered.

"Who are you?" Asked a voice.

Tracer, Stupendous Man, and Spiff spun around.

They screamed.

They were surrounded by aliens.

"Get them!" An alien screamed.

All the aliens turned deadly expressions on the three alter egos.

Spiff whipped out his Death Ray Blaster.

Stupendous Man clenched his fists.

And Tracer didn't do much of anything actually.

One of the aliens lunged for Spiff.

Spiff pulled the trigger.

A long line of red fire ignited from the end of the blaster, and knocked the alien off its feet.

Tentacles. Knocked the alien off his tentacles. He didn't have feet.

Stupendous Man, slugged an alien that dove from him. Several aliens tried to pile on top of Stupendous Man, only Stupendous Man ended up being a little more stronger than you would suppose, and he knocked them all out.

One alien started for Tracer.

Tracer pulled his gun out from behind his trench coat.

"What's that?" The alien asked.

"A gun." Tracer replied.

"What's it do?" The alien asked.

"Shoots really sharp round things into bare flesh, thus making lots of pain." Tracer replied.

"If I leave now, will you let me live?" Asked the alien.

"I'll think about it." Tracer said.

"Alright." The alien said, slinking away.

Spiff shot another blast of fire at an alien.

"There are to many of them." Spiff gasped. "We can't fight them all!"

"Don't panic." Tracer said.

Spiff and Tracer spun around, and screamed, "STUPENDOUS MAN!"

Stupendous Man was crawling across the dirt. He had an alien biting his head, arms, and legs.

"I sort of have my own problems at the moment." Stupendous Man said.

Spiff and Tracer peeked behind them, and screamed.

All the aliens were laughing their heads off, grinning evilly, and slouching for Calvin's egos.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The egos screamed as the aliens closed in.

The aliens all made a grab for Tracer, Spiff and Stupendous Man.

Just then, a bell rang.

"LUNCH TIME!" They all screamed, and with that, they rushed away.

There was a long moment of silence.

"**O**-kay" Spiff said. "That was weird."

"Come on!" Tracer yelled.

All three alter egos climbed into a spaceship.

"How do you start this thing?" Tracer asked.

"Who cares?" Spiff yelled. "Just hit a button!"

Tracer shrugged, and started hitting random buttons on the control panel.

"Welcome to ANN." Said a robot voice. "Today, new planet taken over! Earth. We'll bring you the latest."

Tracer hit another set of buttons.

Nothing happened.

"That's weird." Tracer said.

Those two words boomed out of the ship microphone.

"**_THAT'S WEIRD!_**"

Stupendous man glared at Tracer.

Tracer's voice drew the attention of some aliens.

They all slithered out of random buildings, their ray guns blasting.

Tracer frantically hit more buttons.

Lasers shot out of the ship.

"THEY'RE TAKING COUNTER MEASURES!" Screamed an alien.

Tracer covered his eyes with one hand, and hit a big red button in the middle of the board.

_**BOOM!**_

A bright light illuminated from the ends of the spaceship, and aliens went flying in every direction.

It was then that Tracer's eyes fell upon the button marked START.

"Duh." he said to himself, and he hit the button.

Rockets kicked in at the back of the ship, and the UFO began to lift off the ground.

"Move over!" Spiff yelled, pushing Tracer over.

Spiff pulled the steering wheel (Which happened to be a couple of joy sticks) upward, and the UFO flew upward into the blood red sky.

* * *

Inside the flight central were three aliens grumbling about working overtime.

They stared at the radar.

"What's that thing?" Asked alien number one.

"It's an unauthorized ship." Replied alien number three.

"Shall I report it?" Asked alien number two.

"sure." Yawned alien number three.

Alien number two lifted himself from his chair, and waltzed for the door.

"Hey, everybody." He muttered. "There's an unauthorized ship flying around outside."

"What's it doing?" Asked an alien.

"What's it doing?" Asked alien number two.

Alien number one squinted at the radar.

"Ummm... it appears to be flying around in circles."

* * *

"HOW THE HECK TO I MAKE THIS THING GO STRAIGHT!" Spiff screamed as the UFO continued to zoom around in circles.

Spiff yanked on the controls, and the spaceship jerked to the right.

"I'M OUT OF CONTROL!" Spiff yelled.

"He's going south." Said alien number one. "No wait, north. south. east. west... he's all over the screen."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Spiff, Tracer and Stupendous Man shrieked, as the UFO skimmed the ground above them.

**WARNING:**

**APPROACHING BLOOD OCEAN**

"What's that?" Asked Tracer staring at the monitor.

Spiff, Tracer, and Stupendous Man looked up.

They screamed again.

They were five hundred feet above the one lava ocean on the planet.

And they were losing altitude.

"We're going to burned to a crisp!" Tracer yelled.

Spiff desperately pulled at the wheel.

It was no use, the ship plunged into the boiling liquid.

"AAAAAAAAAA!"

The three egos screamed, as the ship continued to drop into the hot ocean.

Spiff, Tracer, and Stupendous Man opened their eyes.

The lava wasn't melting the ship walls! The UFO was lava-proof!

No big comfort was that, because just then, Spiff caught something on radar.

"What's that?" Stupendous Man asked.

"Something big." Tracer said.

The three alter egos slowly lifted their heads to the windshield.

They screamed again.

There was a gigantic eel like creature slithering toward them.

"PULL UP!" Spiff screamed tugging at the controls.

The giant gray eel opened its mouth revealing two rows of banana sized teeth.

Spiff, hit a button on the controls.

A torpedo shot out of the side of the ship, and ripped for the creature.

"Do you think that will work?" Tracer asked.

"Of corse." Spiff replied. "The trick to this is momentum. If a torpedo can go from a standing point to the speed of light..."

There was a loud boom, and the UFO went flying backward into a rock, and nearly exploded.

"...then you can probably kill yourself without making the slightest impression on the stupid eel." Spiff finished.

Indeed, there wasn't a mark on the eel.

It opened it's mouth, and let out a high pitched screech.

The three egos covered their ears, as the monster continued to shriek out its sonic scream.

Then, the eel wrapped its tail around the UFO, and opened its humongous jaws.

Spiff activated the rocket thrusters and zoomed out of the eel's grasp.

The eel screeched in frustration and swam after the UFO.

Spiff pointed the ship upward, and shot toward the top of the ocean.

The eel was right behind them.

The UFO exploded from the lava ocean, and zoomed upward.

The eel leaped into the air, chased the UFO for about fifty thousand feet, then fell back into really hot ocean.

"That was close." Spiff said.

* * *

Back in the air traffic control, the aliens were continuing to mutter and grumble about their low salary.

"Well looky here." Said alien one. "That unauthorized ship is back."

"Should I send a space monster after it?" asked alien number two.

"Sure. It might make our job a little more interesting." Said alien number one.

Alien number two yawned, and left the room.

* * *

Meanwhile, Spiff was beginning to get the hang of the UFO.

"Alright." He said. "Earth, here we come."

It was then that another creature came onto radar.

"Whu-oh." Spiff muttered.

"What is that thing?" Stupendous Man asked squinting into the yellow clouds.

"It would appear to be a giant goose." Spiff said.

"Uh-huh." Stupendous Man said.

There was a moment of silence.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The three egos screamed as the giant bird crashed into UFO.

"HONK!" It screeched.

Spiff turned the ship around, and zoomed forward.

The goose followed.

"HONK!" The goose yelled, taking a snap at the UFO.

Spiff pulled upward, and zoomed toward the skies.

At about five hundred thousand miles above ground, the goose stopped following them.

Spiff, and the gang blasted out of the planet's atmosphere.

Only there were over a hundred alien pilots patrolling the skies.

"Hey, what's that thing?" Asked an alien.

On alien got on the microphone.

"HEY YOU!" He screeched. "YOU ARE AN UNAUTHORIZED VEHICLE! HOW DARE YOU ENTER SPACE WITHOUT YOUR PASSPORT! I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE TO PLACE YOU UNDER ARREST! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT! ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN OR WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF TENTACLES! IF YOU..."

The UFO zoomed past the patrol ships.

"GET THEM!" An alien screeched into the microphone.

Several space jets bolted after the UFO.

Spiff altered his course to the twin suns.

He lowered himself to the surface of the first sun, and zoomed across it.

"I saw this on that Jimmy Neutron movie!" Spiff declared.

Spiff zoomed across both suns with the space jets in hot pursuit.

And... uh... none of the space jets exploded.

Stupid suns.

Spiff grumbled to himself and hit the laser button on the controls.

Huge ray guns emerged from the side of the ship.

**Target locked**

Spiff grinned and pushed the FIRE button.

BOOM!

"YIKES!" The alien in the space jet screamed, and maneuvered away from the blast.

The ball of fire shot past them.

"Darn." Spiff mumbled.

But that one shot pretty much did the trick.

The aliens happened to be scared of fire and even more scared of riding in slow reacting space jets.

In other words, they all turned around, and left.

Spiff blinked.

"And... uh.. Let that be a lesson to you!" He declared.

Stupendous Man rolled his eyes

Spaceman Spiff, Tracer Bullet, and Stupendous Man were off for Earth!


	12. The Space Monster Attacks

"Alright, next!" Called an alien.

The alien looked down at Calvin.

"Aren't you going to read me my rights?" Calvin asked.

"You have the right to get into that stupid arena so I can get on with my life." The alien asserted.

"Since I don't have the right to be silent," Calvin declared. "I shall spend the last few minutes of my life driving you insane."

Calvin threw his head back, and started making a high pitched gargling noise.

The alien blinked.

"Why didn't I take the job as a News Reporter?" He muttered to himself, as he lead Calvin and Hobbes outside.

"WELCOME ALL!" Screeched an alien wearing a white uniform. "WELCOME TO THE TRIALS OF DEATH! TODAY'S CONTESTANTS ARE..."

The alien took a glance at a piece of paper.

"CALVEEN AND HIPPS FROM PLANET EETHA!"

"Shall I scream a correction?" Calvin asked.

"No he always does that." The alien said. "We can't tell if it's some kind of joke or if he can't read."

"THE FIRST TRIAL SHALL BEGIN!" The alien announced.

He walked up to Calvin and Hobbes.

"THERE SHALL BE THREE TRIALS!" The alien screeched.

"Would you stop screaming?" Hobbes muttered, twisting a finger into his ears.

"I have to, that's the only way I get my salary." The alien whispered. "THE TRIAL FOR SUFFERING! THE TRIAL FOR PAIN! AND THE TRIAL THAT KILLS 'EM, THUS MAKING A GHASTLY MESS FOR THE JANITORS TO CLEAN UP!"

"CURSE THE THIRD TRIAL!" One of the janitors yelled in back of the audience.

"LET THE TRIALS BEGIN!" Yelled the alien.

He turned to Calvin and Hobbes.

"Alright." he said. "First is that trail of sufferment, in which we will make you suffer!"

"That doesn't sound good." Calvin uttered.

The alien laughed, horribly, and held up a bowl of... something.

Calvin stared at the contents of the bowl.

"This is the first trial?" He asked.

"Yup." The alien said, proudly.

The bowl was filled with Kit Kat bars.

"You have to eat the entire thing!" The alien declared.

Calvin gasped.

"No!" He yelled. "You can't make me eat these Kit Kats! The Terror! Ok fine! I'll eat 'em!"

Calvin grabbed the bowl away, greedily.

"Bully." He muttered to himself, as he grabbed the first bar.

He tore the wrapping off, and took a huge bite out of...

CRACK!

Calvin couldn't tell if that crack had been the Kit Kat or his teeth.

He stared at the so-called candy in his hands.

"How old is this candy?" he demanded.

"Its been sitting in the trunk of my spaceship for about, oh I'd say four or five decades." The alien said.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

Those next few minutes were torture.

Calvin and Hobbes both had to eat that stale chocolate.

When the bowl was done, Calvin thought being thrown into a lion's pit sounded pretty good.

"Well," Calvin burped. "It's done. Say," He looked up at the grinning face of the alien. "How long as your face been green? Oops! I'll be right back!"

Calvin rushed over to the side, and put that yucko candy back where it belonged: In the dirt.

Calvin returned to the alien, who had a stupid grin on his face.

"AND NOW!" He declared. "THE SECOND TRIAL! THE SO FORTH OF PAIN!"

The crowd cheered.

The alien gave Calvin and Hobbes a sinister grin, and ripped a white cloth off of...

Calvin and Hobbes stared at what was under the cloth.

"A treadmill?" Calvin asked.

"THE TREADMILL OF DEATH!" The alien screeched. "You have to walk on it for three miles!"

Calvin and Hobbes gasped.

As you can imagine, the next couple of hours was even more torture than before.

Calvin and Hobbes both had to walk on the treadmill at three miles per hour.

"Well, I guess this will make up for that cookie jar you stole last Monday." Hobbes sighed.

"SHUT UP!" Calvin screamed.

After that torture was over, Calvin's legs felt like a couple of long strings of rubber. Or Jello.

"Alright!" The alien broadcasted. "Now for the _third trial!_"

"CURSE THE THIRD TRIAL!" The janitor screamed.

"For this trial, the space monster will messily, rudely, disgustingly, gruesomely, horribly devour you!" The alien snarled.

At that, the janitor, broke down, sobbing.

"RELEASE THE MONSTER!" The alien ordered. "AND GET ME AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH! All this torturing is making me hungry!"

Two aliens held up a key, and nervously turned it into the steel door, to which much banging and screeching came from.

All three aliens quickly ran out of the field as the Monster exploded from the room.

"SCREEECH!" It shrieked.

It fixed its beady little eyes on Calvin.

"Hello Mr Monsetr." Calvin grinned. "Did I mention that I taste terrible? Awful! You don't want to eat me! I'll give you indigestion! I'll make Heart Burn! Terrible heart burn! And did I mention the indigestion? WHOO HOO! Not even alka-seltzer could break me up! I mean we're talking about..."

The monster had obviously gotten bored with Calvin's droning due to fact that he pounced for him, and came within an inch of getting him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Calvin screamed darting from the way.

The monster screeched, and began galloping on four legs after the boy and tiger.

"What are we going to do?" Calvin called.

"I never thought I'd say this... but WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR POCKETS!"

Calvin turned out his pockets.

"All I have is my Mini Duplicator!"

"Terrific." Hobbes sighed.

The monster dove for Calvin again.

This time, he managed to rip his shirt.

"HEY!" Calvin screamed. "That was one of my good shirts!"

The monster screeched, and flung another handful of claws at the two.

Calvin ducked.

The claws flew over his head.

"HA!" Calvin screamed. "You missed me!"

At that very moment, three of Calvin's hair spikes fell off his head.

Calvin growled.

"ALRIGHT!" He screamed. "THAT'S IT! NOBODY MESSES WITH THE DO!"

The monster showed Calvin three inch long fangs.

"However, I'd be satisfied just to let you off with a warning." Calvin grinned, sheepishly.

Calvin turned around.

Hobbes had vanished.

Calvin didn't know how that moronic cat did that, or else he would have... well, tried it himself.

"HELP!" Calvin screamed. "MONSTER!"

Calvin spun around, hit full turbo, kicked up three shovel fulls of dirt, and went roaring for the...

Hmmmmm... that was pretty soft sand, and perhaps Calvin could...

Calvin fanatically started digging.

He dug for five seconds, and suddenly fell into... Huh. A smallish room.

Hobbes was sitting in a chair made out of sand.

Calvin gave him a disbelieving stare.

"Why didn't you tell me you had dug a hiding place in the dirt?" He said, in a dangerous calm.

"Well, the monster's attention was on you, and I felt it wouldn't do any good for _both_ of us got eaten."

"I am so happy that I have such caring friend." Calvin snarled.

Just then, bits of sand started falling on Calvin's head.

Calvin and Hobbes looked up.

Opps.

There appeared to be four inch long talons digging into the sand.

"Woopsies." Calvin grinned, apprehensively.

"How are we going to beat this thing?" Hobbes asked.

"I have an idea." Calvin whispered. "But we have to be ready!"

* * *

The monster stuck its round head into the sand hole it had dug.

Calvin and Hobbes weren't there.

The monster roared, and ripped its head out of the sand hole.

Its eyes fixed on Calvin.

He was wearing a brown top hat, a comb, and a razor.

"Good grief!" Calvin screamed. "You are in desperate need of our services!"

The monster stared at Calvin.

"What you need is a good make over!" Calvin declared.

The monster gasped, and put a hand against its chest.

"Yes, a good make over should do the trick, um... bend over."

The monster bent over.

Calvin studied its wild jet black hair.

"Well, this simply won't do!" Calvin declared. "We're going to have to fix this! Now won't we?"

Calvin whipped out a comb, and hopelessly tried to get the knots out of the monster's hair.

Hobbes ran up, also dressed as a make up artist, and started combing.

The aliens in the audience exchanged glances.

At last, Calvin and Hobbes perfected the hair.

Calvin kissed his index and fore finger.

"Taa daa!" he said, he held up a mirror.

The monster looked into his reflection.

Calvin and Hobbes had combed it out straight, and it actually looked good.

"Now, we must find some other form of clothing!" Hobbes said, picking up a part of the monster's ripped cloak. "Oh, Calvin? Get out the suit!"

Calvin and Hobbes spent the next few minutes dressing up the monster.

Then Calvin and Hobbes took a look at the monster's deadly claws.

"Calvin, hand me the monster clippers!" Hobbes said.

Calvin handed Hobbes a gigantic pair of toe-nail clippers.

Hobbes started clipping the yellow claws off, while Calvin worked on the feet.

Then, they filed it down.

"Perfect!" Calvin grinned.

Then, Calvin fitted some socks on the monster and then some brown sneakers.

Hobbes shaved the monster's sideburns, and puffed makeup on its face.

After a while, the monster looked like an I-don't-know-what.

Like some kind of giant business man with beady eyes, and really sharp teeth.

"Ready for action!" Calvin grinned.

The monster grinned.

Calvin looked at his watch.

"OH MY GOSH!" He screeched. "MR MONSTER! HURRY! YOUR GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK!"

The monster gasped in horror and rushed off.

"GO GET 'EM TIGER!" Hobbes screeched.

The monster exploded out of the arena and began to try and start somebody's spaceship.

"NO!" The alien announced yelled. "THE MONSTER IS GONE!"

The alien spun around.

"AND CALVEEN AND HIPPS ARE _GONE_ TOO!"

"**_YES!_**" The janitor screeched, jumping up, and throwing his tentacles into the air. "I mean... Oh no!"

Calvin and Hobbes laughed, then rushed off.

Little did they know what waited for them at the outside of the building.


	13. Backfire

_Swing123: Sorry about the short chapter._

A UFO silently cut across the vast regions of space.

Tracer Bullet pushed a button on the control panel.

A cup of coffee rose out of the desk.

Tracer sighed, and sipped at the coffee.

"What are you doing?" Spiff asked.

"I'm a detective!" Tracer yelled. "I'm allowed to drink coffee!"

"Gee, I wish I was a detective." Spiff muttered.

Just then, Earth cam onto the radar.

Spiff, Stupendous Man, and Tracer gasped.

There was a steel plate of armor surrounding the planet.

"Yike-o" Spiff said.

"How are we going to get past that thing?" Tracer asked.

"Oh very well." Stupendous Man muttered.

He leaped out the airlock, and zoomed out of the UFO.

He zoomed toward the plate of armor, and threw a dramatic punch at it.

As soon as his fist hit the steel, electricity zapped through him.

"AAAAAAAA!" He screeched, and he tore his hand away.

"Hey!" He yelled, rubbing his smoking fist. "THAT HURT!"

Stupendous Man scratched his chin.

"I guess I'll have to give this thing the old STUPENDOUS SCREAM!"

Stupendous Man took in a deep breath, and let out a bloodcurdling screech.

Shockwaves hit the steel, and... well didn't do much good, actually.

Stupendous Man screamed himself out, then flew up to the UFO.

"Well, I gave it my best shot." He said.

"Now what?" Tracer asked.

"We could go through that hole in the steel there." Spiff said, pointing at a small electricity surrounded portal labeled "ALIENS ONLY".

Tracer and Stupendous Man stared at it for a long time.

Stupendous Man turned back to the ship.

"Oh, fine, if you want to do it the easy way!"

The UFO flew through the portal.

They landed on the planet.

Calvin's town had been torn apart.

There were buildings that had collapsed, and windows shattered everywhere.

The three egos emerged from the ship.

"Ok." Spiff said. "We're going defeat Rupert and his badly named sidekick, we'll turn into heros, and Earth will be saved. Got it?"

"And the plan?" Tracer asked.

"We'll ambush Rupert then Stupendous Man will knock him out. Then Tracer will dispose of Rupert's badly named sidekick. I'll free everybody from Rupert's spell."

"And the plan?" Tracer asked, impatiently.

"Oh, shut up!" Spiff snarled.

Rupert was in Calvin's house, the only place that hadn't been destroyed, on the couch.

Mom and Dad were waving those big leaf things over Rupert, and Susie was dropping grapes into his mouth.

"This is life." Rupert sighed. "Turning everybody's minds numb, and having them pamper me in that classic style that everybody likes."

Earl searched the fridge for something to eat.

"Kodak Film?" He asked holding up a box.

He emptied the film into his tentacle, and popped it into his mouth.

He spewed it all over the floor.

"YUCK!" he screamed. "Wow, this Earth food is _terrible!_"

Tracer began to sneak up on Earl.

Earl was in the process of pouring all the milk onto the floor, when Tracer whipped out his gun.

Earl looked into the reflection on the toaster next to him, and saw Tracer inching toward him.

Earl whipped out his ray gun, and whirled around.

Earl shot the ray at Tracer.

Tracer leaped from the way and pulled the trigger.

two bullets shot out of the gun and headed for Earl.

They hit him in his bullet proof uniform.

Tracer and Earl stared at the bullets sticking out of Earl's uniform.

"Well it was worth a shot." Tracer said.

Meanwhile, Stupendous Man jumped Rupert.

"DIE!" he yelled.

Rupert ripped Stupendous off him, and hurled him at the wall.

Stupendous Man leaped to his feet, and held his fists up.

Rupert held up a microphone and screamed, "GET THEM!"

"Whoops." Stupendous Man sighed, as Rupert's human slaves stalked for him.

Stupendous Man leaped out the door.

* * *

Spiff was in the process of trying to talk sense into the brainless humans.

"So, you think that Rupert is the ultimate ruler?" Spiff asked.

"Not think. Know for sure." The man said.

"Mmm-hmmmm. And what about the president of the US of A?"

"All my respect is for Rupert. King of all!"

"Uh-huh, and uh..."

Just then the man's eyes flashed blue, and he gave Spiff a menacing glare.

"Let me guess." Spiff said. "New orders?"

The Man held his hands up, and shot a blast of red light at Spiff.

Spiff dodged it.

"YIKES!" he yelled.

Suddenly Spiff realized he was surrounded.

They were closing in.

Spiff pulled out his Death Ray Blaster.

He pointed it at the mass of people.

He couldn't hit the trigger.

What if someone Calvin knew was in there?

"HELP!" Spiff screamed, as over a hundred hands closed over Spiff's face.

* * *

Meanwhile, Miss Wormwood, Moe, and Rosalyn were stalking for Tracer.

Tracer backed up.

"Ok, really, I've done with murder cases before, so I know what I'm talking about, when I say... YOU GUYS ARE OUT OF YOUR MINDS!"

Tracer rushed out of the rooms, and Rueprt's idiot zombie slaves walked after him.

You know, I bet that Rupert made those people unable to run on purpose so everything would be more creepy.

Tracer ran down the hallway, but then ran into Dad.

"Oh terrific." Tracer sighed. "The Character freak."

Dad reached for Tracer.

Tracer spun around, and rushed back to the... YIKES!

Moe was stalking for Tracer.

Tracer looked behind him.

Dad was limping for him, moaning about Rupert.

"Well, this is a fine predicament I've gotten myself into." Tracer sighed, as Moe and Dad reached him.

* * *

Stupendous Man zoomed out of the house, and flew off in search of some kind of shelter.

He found the school.

He burst into the school, and searched for an empty classroom.

Spiff burst into Calvin's old classroom, and flew for the window.

He peeked outside.

Hundreds of moaning zombies stalked fro the school.

"Oh terrific." Stupendous Man sighed.

The men entered the school.

Stupendous Man threw a punch in the wall, and knocked out thirty bricks.

He peeked outside, and then rushed out.

He ran right into Rosalyn.

"Oh come on!" Stupendous Man yelled, and he flew off.

"At least they can't get me up here." He said.

He threw his head around.

Mom was hovering in the air on a rocket scooter.

"Why did I say that?" Stupendous Man asked, and he flew off.

Mom chased him.

Stupendous Man burst back into Calvin's house.

Rupert was waiting.

"hello!" he grinned, and he held up a ray gun.

Stupendous Man's eyes popped open.

"Help." He muttered. "Cry for help."

* * *

Earl was drawing pictures in the icing in a cake, when Rupert walked up.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Drawing." Earl said, dully.

"Huh. Well, guess what?"

"What?"

"We got some new slaves."

Rupert stepped aside, and revealed the red glowing eyes of Tracer Bullet, Stupendous Man, and Spaceman Spiff.

They were moaning.

"ALL HAIL RUPERT. ALL HAIL RUPERT."

Earl chuckled.

Rupert laughed.

Earl laughed, hysterically.

Rupert screamed with laughter.

"WHO CAN STOP ME NOW?" He screamed. "HA HA HA! **_WHO?_**"


	14. The Shadowfax

_Swing123: The next chapter will be the last, just so you know, not including the Bonus Chapter._

Calvin and Hobbes rushed across the landscape to the airport a few miles away.

Finally Calvin and Hobbes reached a UFO.

"Here we are!" Calvin declared. "A UFO!"

"Why can't we lead a normal life?" Hobbes grumbled.

"Ok, Hobbes," Calvin said. "We'll struggle to find out how to use the stupid controls right, then we'll go home! Ready?"

"No."

"Good, here we go!"

Calvin and Hobbes rushed up to the UFO.

"Ok, now listen up." Calvin said. "This place is probably storming with guards. We might just find ourselves in a combat situation! And maybe _you'd_ like to go first."

"Yeah, or maybe I wouldn't." Hobbes said.

"WHAT?" Calvin shouted.

"I said... oh boy. Combat. Oh goody."

"That's the spirit!" Calvin grinned. "now let's go!"

Calvin and Hobbes rushed into the first room.

All the aliens seemed to have left.

"Alright." Calvin said. "how do we start this thing?"

Hobbes hit the start button.

The engine roared to life.

"Oh, Ok, I guess that'll work." Calvin shrugged.

Calvin grabbed the controls, and hit full throttle.

The aliens stared at the radar screen.

"I'll be darned." Said Alien number one. "There's goes another unauthorized ship."

"Shall I send another mutant after it?" Asked alien number two.

"Nah." Said Alien number one. "That would be redundant. Lets just stare at the screen with awe, and continue to contemplate our meaningless lives."

"Uh-kay." Said Alien number two.

Calvin jerked the wheel upward.

"Alright." Calvin said, looking at a map. "We're in the region of here," Calvin pointed to a place on the map. "And Earth is over here someplace." He pointed at another spot on the map.

"How lucky are we to have such a experienced mapper?" Hobbes asked.

"Uh-huh."

Calvin looked at the radar screen.

"No attackers. Heck, Hobbes, this just might be a silent flight through the vast regions of space."

"Mmm." Hobbes muttered, laying back in his chair.

Calvin pushed the hyperdrive button, and the engines kicked in, rocketing them out of Zok's atmosphere.

"See ya, lava land!" Calvin screamed. "Earth, evil creatures from another planet, and the all of mindless, nose picking zombies from North Dakota, here we come!"

"If we ever get home, I'll never set foot outside, again." Hobbes grumbled.

* * *

The first fifteen minutes went smoothly.

Calvin hit a button on the control panel.

"HEY! ROBOT SLAVES! GET IN HERE!" He screamed into a microphone.

A tall thin robot with a sleek sliver body burst into the room.

"How may I ease your life, oh great master?" The robot asked, bending down on his hands and knees.

The robot didn't sound like you other forms of robot. It didn't have a flat voice like most robots, but it actually had a human like voice.

"Yeah." Calvin said. "I wanna glass of water."

"Yes oh great one!" The robot said. "Do you want that in a tall glass or a short glass?"

Calvin blinked.

"Uh... tall."

"Yes oh wonderful one whose hair is as intriguing as a nail. Would you like ice with that water?"

"Yes." Calvin muttered, losing patience.

"Yes, oh notable potentate of my unworthy skin." The robot said.

"You don't have skin." Hobbes said.

The robot ignored Hobbes.

"Would you liked cubed ice, or sliced ice, oh wonderful one?" He asked.

Calvin glared at it.

"Cubed!" He growled.

"Would you like a lemon slice with that water, oh mighty creature?"

"NO!" Calvin growled.

"Would you like cold water or hot water, oh famous one whose shoes can stomp a car?"

"_Cold!_" Calvin spat. "Now get going!"

The robot sat up.

"Right." He said. "That's cold water, in a tall glass, with cubed ice, and no lemon."

He started for the door, then stopped.

He turned back to Calvin.

"Would you like fries with that?" He asked.

"**_GET OUT!_**" Calvin screeched.

The robot bowed, and started babbling.

"Yes, oh wondrous man whose breath could stun a moose. oh mighty ruler of my person. Oh great..."

He shut the door, but Calvin still heard him talking through the door.

"...of my worthless skin. Mighty creature to which there is no limit. Great boy who has many a..."

"Put a sound field around the stupid door, Hobbes!" Calvin screamed.

Hobbes pushed a button on the panel, and the blabbering stopped.

Calvin turned to the computer monitor.

"HOW MUCH FARTHER _NOW!_" He screamed.

"_Earth exactly four billion, ninety three million, four hundred fifty two thousand, two light-years away from present location._" Said a flat robotic voice.

"OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Calvin screeched. "Why can't this stupid thing go any faster than this!"

"Well, there must be some way to get to go faster." Hobbes said. "I'll look around."

He turned back to the control panel and gulped. There were over a million buttons on that on stretch of panel Hobbes was at.

Suddenly, the ship started to wander into a field of red planets.

While Hobbes searched for something to make the ship go faster, several eyes watched ths ship, from behind the planets.

Calvin was grumbling, and pacing the floor.

Suddenly the robotic voice came on.

"Warning." It said. "Shadowfax territory."

"Shadow what, territory?" Hobbes questioned.

The computer repeated the warning.

"Shadowfax territory. Shadowfax territory. Shadowfax territory."

"Make it shut up!" Calvin yelled.

Hobbes looked around on the control panel.

"I can't find the button." Hobbes said.

"Then tell it to shut up!" Calvin said.

"Shut up!" Hobbes spat.

"Watch your mouth, Hobbes, your talking to the Earth Potentate here!" Calvin snarled.

"I was talking to the computer." Hobbes said.

"Oh." Calvin said.

But the voice kept on saying SHADOWFAX TERRITORY.

Suddenly the radar started beeping.

Calvin and Hobbes turned around, and stared at it.

There appeared to be four unidentified things heading for the ship, each coming in a different direction. Almost as if it was hunting them.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at the radar screen. Then stared at each other. Then stared back at the radar.

Calvin gulped.

"Um, Hobbes?" He asked. "What do you suppose a shadowfax is?"

"I have no idea." Hobbes said. "And I'm not sticking around to find out."

Just then, something collided with the back of the ship.

Calvin and Hobbes gasped in horror.

They looked up at the ceiling.

The scrape of claws against metal sounded as something moved across the roof of the ship.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"Well," Hobbes said. "I've said it once. I've said it twice, I've said it a hundred times. We're dead."

Calvin and Hobbes slowly turned around and faced the windshield.

They screamed.

There was a pitch black creature clinging to the glass, and staring at Calvin and Hobbes with red eyes.

It scratched its claws against the glass and screeched.

Then it raised a fist, and punched the glass, cracking it.

"AAAAAAAAAA!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed.

The Shadowfax repeatedly started punching the glass, making bigger cracks.

"Quick, Hobbes!" Calvin yelled. "Set up the Shadowfax shield!"

"The what?" Hobbes asked.

"Forget it! Just start hitting buttons!"

Calvin and Hobbes started pushing random buttons all at once.

Then another Shadowfax attached itself to the window. Then three more. Then six more. then five times that number. then some more.

Soon, the entire ship was covered with bloodthirsty shadowfax.

"Nothing's working!" Calvin said, frantically.

"Wait, Calvin!" Hobbes yelled. "We're not cavemen! We have technology!"

Hobbes grabbed a work computer off of the desk, and started banging it against the window.

Nothing happened.

"It didn't work." Calvin said.

Hobbes ran over to the computer monitor, and yelled, "What do we do!"

The computer answered.

"Brush your teeth and wash your face every day, and you will have good clean hygiene, throughout your entire youth."

Hobbes stared at the computer.

"What?" He demanded.

"Hey, I'm a computer, not a miracle worker." The computer said.

Calvin rushed over to the controls.

"Lets see if I can shake them off!" He yelled.

He pushed the wheel forward, and the ship lurched forward sending three Shadowfax screaming off.

"OK." Calvin said. "Three down. About thirty million to go."

Calvin pushed the wheel far back, and the ship screamed forward in a burst of speed.

The Shadowfax clung on, and continued to punch at the glass.

"What are we gonna to do?" Hobbes yelled.

"Quick, Hobbes!" Calvin yelled, whirling around. "If Captain Napalm were here, what would he do?"

Hobbes stared at Calvin.

"Calvin, you are the stupidest six-year old I've sever seen in my life."

"I'm just throwing ideas around!" Calvin yelled.

He spun back to the control panel.

the Shadowfax were almost in the ship, and air was hissing out of the it through the cracks.

"There must be some kind of defense here!"

Calvin grabbed a users manul, and started reading.

**Shadowfax**

Oh, hi there. Shadowfax are black things that eat other stuff. They like food, and really, really, don't like bright lights. OK, see ya.

Calvin blinked.

"Alright," He yelled. "This idiot book has given me some vital info! They like food!"

Hobbes stare at the book.

"Lights!" Hobbes yelled. "We need lights!"

Hobbes rushed over, and turned on the headlights. What a UFO was doing with headlights, I have no idea.

Light spewed out of the ship, and hit several Shadowfax.

They screeched in pain, and fell off the ship, with smoke rising from them.

"We need more light!" Hobbes yelled.

Calvin grabbed a flashlight.

"Here, try and get them off the glass with this." He said.

Hobbes took the flashlight, switched it on, and pointed it at the glass.

Smoke hissed from them, and they screeched, and leaped off.

"Gee, this is fun." Calvin said.

Hobbes looked up, the Shadowfax had pried the door open, and were rushing inside, screaming their heads off.

"Ah, ah, ah!" Calvin yelled.

He flipped the light switch, and light spewed into room.

While Hobbes closed the door, to prevent any more coming in, or losing any more air, The Shadowfax yelled and screeched dramatically, and then faded into smoke.

"Nothing like a bunch of drama to get the movie going, huh Hobbes?" Calvin asked.

"Uh-huh."

Calvin and Hobbes then turned back to the control panel.

"Here we are." Calvin said.

He flipped a switch marked, "Lots and lots of light."

The UFO started to glow with bright, white light.

Shadowfax fell off, screeching, and yelling.

Calvin and Hobbes watched, with glee.

"Oops!" Calvin said, pushing a lever forward. "I just increased the power of the light! Bad me!"

The Shadowfax all fell off the ship, screaming and yelling.

Calvin and Hobbes sighed.

"Thank goodness." He said. "We're saved."

Calvin turned and stared at the windshield.

He gasped.

Hobbes turned around. He gasped.

Calvin and Hobbes stared in horror at the terror in front of them.

"OH MY GOSH!" Calvin yelled. "Look what Rupert has done to the Earth!"

"And yet, we both find the destruction of human nature strangely hilarious." Hobbes said.

"True, so true." Calvin said.

Rupert still had that metal cover over the planet. Which wasn't good.

Calvin looked around, then found the opening.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"Terrific." Hobbes said. "A creepy opening to a place I don't want to see at this particular moment."

Calvin gulped, then steered the spaceship towards the opening.

"Well, Hobbes." He said. "This is it. Our final face-off with what's-his-name."

"Wonder." Hobbes said. "If you need me, I'll be hiding in the closet."

And with that, Calvin and Hobbes entered Earth's atmosphere.

Maybe they shouldn't have done that.


	15. THE GRAND FINALE!

"This probably wasn't the smartest thing we ever did, Calvin." Hobbes said.

"Oh, shut, up." Calvin said. "All we have to do is beat Rupert, and then we will all live happily ever after."

Hobbes sighed, and shook his head.

Calvin landed the spaceship in the Calvinball field. All the trees had been cut down, and the creek was gone.

Hobbes was devastated.

"This is not helping my love for those two." He growled.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed off the spaceship, and into town.

"Wait a minute." Hobbes said. "What if Rupert sends a squad out for us?"

"Relax, Hobbes." Calvin said. "As far as Rupert knows, we're looking at that monster's belly button from the inside."

"Your disgusting." Hobbes said.

"Before we do anything, we have to search for survivors."

"Calvin, Rupert has probably gone through Earth, personally, taking over the minds as he goes."

"Wait!" Calvin exclaimed. "I'm getting something. Now who do we know who would be sneaky, tricky, and annoying enough to escape Rupert's grasp?"

Calvin and Hobbes thought for a moment. Then they both grinned, slyly.

* * *

A green market store lay in ruins on the other side of town.

"Are you sure this is where he hangs out?" Calvin asked.

"Positive." Hobbes said.

Calvin and Hobbes raced into the ruins and started lifting wood and stuff of the ground.

Calvin lifted up an especially heavy bit of wood, and suddenly claws shot out of the wreckage, and nailed Calvin in the nose.

"YIKES!" Calvin yelled.

He stumbled backward, and collapsed into Hobbes' armms.

"Hobbes!" He gasped. "I've been bitten by a rattlesnake! I can feel the poison coursing through my veins! Take care of the world for me!"

And with that, he closed his eyes, and slowly drifted off to...

"Mmmmm sorry, Calvin. I thought you were a giant mouse."

Calvin's eyes popped open. He recognized that voice.

He leaped out of Hobbes' arms, and came face to face with...

SOCRATES.

Socrates was a cat that was a mere clone of Hobbes, except for one thing; he had red stripes on his tail. Socrates was a prankster. He never missed a chance to laugh and scoff at the misfortunes of others. Most of which he had caused on his own. Calvin had never met the kid Socrates lived with, but he didn't really want to, considering Socrates' attitude on the world. He and Hobbes were good buddies too, which caused Calvin much grief, since he was usually the butt of Socrates' jokes.

Calvin glared at him, and Socrates grinned back.

"What are you doing here!"

"Sleeping." Socrates replied. "And oh! Your poor little nose is bleeding!"

"Oh yeah!" Calvin spat. "Well, you're just **ugly!**

Hobbes turned his attention to Socrates.

"So, how long have you been buried under this?" He asked.

"I dunno. fifteen minutes."

"You mean, Rupert just destroyed this building?" Calvin asked

"Nah." Socrates said. "It's been like this for days. I just crawled under to chase a mouse I saw."

"How did you escape Rupert's grasp?" Hobbes asked.

"Because I didn't particularly enjoy the idea of being under mind control."

With Socrates, that answer was more than enough information.

Calvin and Hobbes blinked.

"Okay." Calvin said.

"Now if you don't mind, I'd like to go back to my work."

If Calvin wouldn't have stopped him, Socrates would've dove back under the wreckage.

"Stop!" Calvin spat. "You're not going back under there."

"I'm not?"

"**_YOU'RE NOT!_**" Calvin screamed.

"It was cramped in there, anyway." Said Socrates.

Just then, one of the aliens' voice rang out.

"YAAAH!" Calvin screaming spinning around.

Nobody was behind him, and yet, Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates still heard the aliens' voice.

They exchanged glances, and raced over to the only building left standing. The Theater.

They peeked inside.

It was a full house. People with glowing red eyes stared expressionlessly at Earl's crew, who, at the moment, were putting on a play on the stage.

One of the aliens bent down on his knees next to a tower and said, "whatever her name was, whatever her name was! Let down your hair!"

At that very moment, another alien let down thirteen long strings of yellow rope.

The alien at the bottom of the tower started up it.

Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates exchanged glances.

Up in the tower, the alien was going, "OW! EEEK! YEEEEK! OUCH!" as the other alien climbed up the rope.

Suddenly, the rope snapped, and the alien went plunging to the ground.

WUMP!

"Whatever you name is, Whatever your name is!" Said the alien, nervously, trying to keep the play going. "Why didn't you tell me you had gotten a hair cut?"

It was the worst play Calvin had ever seen in his life. Of corse, the actors weren't even from Earth. Plus, it was a pretty ridiculous play to begin with.

Socrates, Calvin and Hobbes pulled their heads out of the building.

"That was weird." Calvin said. "Ok. I think I know how to save everybody, but we need to get to my house before..."

Calvin couldn't finish, because all at once, another voice echoed out of the theater. It was Earl.

"Thank you for that tasteless, and unbelievably stupid play, Lenny." Said Earl.

Lenny the alien bowed, then slithered off the stage.

"Man, I'm glad that's over." Earl muttered, tapping on the microphone. "Now then, numb minded Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for the king of the universe: RUPERT CHILL!"

The audience clapped, and (predicably) started chanting "ALL HAIL RUPERT! ALL HAIL RUPERT!"

Earl stepped of the stage, and Rupert stepped on in his alien form wearing bright red robes, and a glowing yellow crown.

"Thank you Earl." Said Rupert. stepping up to the microphone.

Rupert picked up the microphone and studied it.

"What the heck is this thing?" he asked.

"It's a microphone." Earl whispered. "You know, we used to use them back in fifteen seventy-something-or-other."

"When do we get to update this stupid planet?" Rupert demanded.

"The cargo ship should be here in five minutes, Rupert." Earl said.

"Tell them to hold the slave robots." Rupert said, turning back to the microphone. "I hate those things."

"We had better hurry." Socrates said.

"Alright." Calvin said. "Lets go."

The three raced across the abandoned town.

* * *

Finally they came to Calvin's house.

Calvin turned the house upside down looking for it but...

"Oh no!" Calvin exclaimed. "They took all my inventions!"

"Even the Time Pauser?" Hobbes asked.

"Even the Time Pauser!" Calvin exclaimed. "Which means there could be..."

At that very moment, two aliens popped out of nowhere, and grabbed Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates. They were holding Calvin's Time Pauser.

"HEY!" Calvin exclaimed. "That's mine!"

The aliens led them away without a word.

"Calvin, how lovely to see you once again." Rupert said, emotionlessly as the aliens led him, Hobbes and Socrates into the theater. "I'm sure your impressed on how I took over the Earth?"

Calvin looked around.

"Well, other than the creepy glowing eyes, limited vocabulary to three words, and the lack of decorations, yeah, you did OK."

"What's wrong with glowing eyes?" Earl asked, defensively.

Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates stared at him.

"Do you want me to answer that?" Calvin asked.

Earl rolled his eyes. Or Calvin thought he rolled his eyes. It's hard to tell with these compound eyes.

"Never mind." he said.

"Well." Rupert said. "I don't know how you escaped, but I don't exactly care."

"Ya can't defeat me, Rupy!" Calvin spat.

"I won't even try." Rupert said.

"You won't?" Calvin asked, surprised.

"Oh no. I will say only two words on the subject. Can you guess what they are?"

Calvin rolled his eyes around. "Well, lets see. Happy Birthday?"

"No."

"Merry Christmas?"

"Wrong again. You'll never guess it."

"Yes I will."

"That's three words."

"Yeah, I know but that wasn't a guess."

"Oh."

"Thank you?" Calvin asked.

"Your welcome." Rupert replied.

"No, that's my guess: Thank you."

"Yes of corse. No, that's wrong too."

"I'm sorry?"

"That's OK, I didn't expect you to get it." Rupert said.

"No, that's my guess. I'm Sorry."

"Are you trying to be funny?" Rupert demanded.

"Not really." Calvin said.

"Good. cause this isn't a time to be funny. Now what was your last guess?"

"I'm sorry."

"I told you not to worry about it!" Rupert spat.

"Yeah, but 'I'm Sorry' was my guess."

"Yes, of corse. I'm sorry but that's wrong too. And I'm afraid we're out of time. I will now tell you the two magic words used by generals, bosses, and aliens all over the universe."

Calvin was leaping up and down.

"Oh goody! I can't wait to hear what they are!"

"The first word is SHUT. The second word is UP."

"Shut up?"

"That's correct." Rupert said. "Keep those words close to your eyes and heart, Calvin. repeat them until you've memorized them. And the next time I take over a planet, you can pull them out of the garbage heap of your mind. And in the meantime, shut up."

"Oh. OK. I think I got it." Calvin muttered.

"And now, I will continue my speech to my minions." Rupert said.

He leaned over and said two words into the microphone.

"Kill him."

At that very moment all of the glowing eyed people arose from their chairs, and turned to Calvin with murderous glares.

"May we have permission to run for our lives?" Calvin asked.

"Sure." Rupert yawned.

Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates screamed, and exploded out of the theater.

"Don't let them escape." Rupert smacked.

Do you know what the townspeople did then?

They _walked_ after Calvin, of corse!

Why did Rupert program them to do that, I have no idea.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed into the abandoned city.

Suddenly Rupert Chill's face suddenly appeared over all the TVs in the hardware store, and all the flat surfaces in the city.

"You might as well surrender." Rupert said "You can not possibly win."

Suddenly one of the aliens pushed past Rupert and yelled, "Are we on TV? **_HI MOM!_**"

Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates continued zooming down the town and into the park.

Socrates zoomed into a five story building, Hobbes ran further into the park, and Calvin ran straight through the creek, and into the forest.

Socrates zoomed over to the elevator, and hit the button.

There he stood for a second and waited.

He looked behind him.

The zombies were coming. Slowly. reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaly slowly.

Finally the elevator came, and Socrates hopped on.

The zombies then came over, and pushed the button. And there they waited

The elevator carried Socrates up to the top floor.

When he got there, he zoomed up towards the roof.

He burst onto the roof, and slammed the door.

Then he propped a piece of wood against the doorknob.

He chuckled to himself, and laid down on the concrete for a nap.

* * *

Hobbes raced through the park.

He was panting.

Then he came to the fountain.

He leaped inside, and pushed himself against the statue in the middle.

The zombies moaned about Rupert, and marched over to him. At a speed of one mile per decade.

One of the zombies looked over at Hobbes.

They all halted at the water fountain, and didn't go for him.

Hobbes' eyes darted from one Rupert obsessed zombie to the other.

They all just stood there, gawking at him.

Hobbes tapped his chin in thought.

He raised a foot, and kicked the water, splashing one of the zombies. Tracer Bullet.

With a cough and a sputter, Tracer's eyes returned to normal!

He rubbed his eyes smacked his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

"I'm going to have to get a physical checkup after this." He muttered.

"Tracer?" Hobbes asked.

"mmm, yes? Tracer replied.

"Spray someone with water and see what happens." Hobbes said.

Tracer grinned, evilly, and held up a squirt gun.

"Let's have ourselves a little revolution, shall we?" He snarled.

* * *

Calvin zoomed through the forest.

The zombies were right behind him.

Calvin zoomed through the forest, but then, he tripped, and fell to the ground.

He started panting as the chants of "All hail Rupert" grew louder.

But just then, something happened.

Something very good.

Something that made Calvin brag about to this day.

You'll never guess what happened!

* * *

Rupert sat on a throne in the theater.

He was eating grapes, and reading Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park.

Just then, Earl stepped into the room.

"Rupert!" He exclaimed. "Hobbes has freed part of your army!"

"And your telling me this because...?" Rupert said, rolling his hand around.

Earl blinked. "Well, uh. That's bad, isn't? They know how to set them free?"

"Earl, we have an entire planet under our control, and your bothering about five freed people?"

"Yeah, only it isn't five people." Earl said. "It's five hundred people. And their heading this way."

"It's still nothing to worry about." Rupert said. "The Earth's population is five point eight billion."

"That's true." Earl considered. "I hadn't thought of that."

"Think about it." Rupert said.

"Think about this while your at it!" said a voice.

Rupert and Earl's heads spun around, and they stared at Stupendous Man, Spaceman Spiff and Tracer Bullet.

"Heads up!" Spiff yelled, pulling the trigger on his net gun.

With two or three blasts, Spiff had Earl's entire crew trapped in nets.

Rupert and Earl gave the three heros blank stares.

"You've got to be kidding me." Rupert said.

Socrates and Hobbes leaped in front of the three Calvins.

"Oh boy." Rupert sighed. "Right where I thought this couldn't get any easier."

Rupert held up a ray gun, and prepared to blast the five over when all of a sudden, the roof to the theater was ripped off.

Rupert, Hobbes, Socrates, Stupendous Man, Spiff, Tracer and Earl looked upward.

The UFO threw the roof away with a giant claw.

"What are you morons doing?" Rupert screamed.

It was then that Calvin leaned over the windshield and waved.

"Oh." Earl said. "He captured the cargo hold."

Calvin leaped back at the controls, and hit the laser button.

ZZZZAP!

"YEEEAAYAAAAA!"

"YEEEEK!"

Rupert and Earl were blasted off their feet.

"Calvin!" Hobbes called. "It's water! Water frees Rupert's minions!"

To which Calvin replied over the microphone.

"And if we would've known that trick in the first place, this movie would've been shorter."

Calvin raced to the controls.

"Time for a little weather report." He grinned, pushing the "rain cloud" button.

Large hoses suddenly expanded from the ship, and black clouds poured from it.

Rupert and Earl exchanged glances.

Calvin tapped his chin.

"_Hmm. this will take forever to consume the world._" He thought. "_I wonder what would happen if I pushed the power lever up to full blast?_"

Calvin silently pushed the lever forward, and all at once, we had rain all over America, Asia, Africa and the whole entire world!

Then Calvin said over the microphone.

"Today's weather is brought to you by Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs! The bombs meant for your mouth! And we have..."

Calvin hit a button.

"...A three hundred percent chance of rain."

And then, rain came pouring down by the gallons, hitting every spot on the planet.

Rupert leaped from his throne as the rain came pouring.

"No! NO! **_NO!_**"

"Gee that was easy." Calvin said. "Now let's see what we can do with all that rain!"

Calvin leaped from the spaceship, and landed next to Hobbes.

"What about the steel plate Rupert put around the Earth?" Hobbes asked.

"You know," Calvin said. "steel is a heavenly meal for those Shadowfax things. I mean, they had that thing gone in fifteen seconds!"

"WHAT!" Rupert roared. "NO!"

People all over the world were suddenly coming back to life, and were no longer spreading that dumby talk about Rupert.

It rained for three hours.

Calvin and the gang watched Rupert banging his head against the floor, and screaming.

When all of a sudden Rupert's head shot up.

"THAT'S **IT!**" He screeched. "I'm sick of you messing things up!"

Rupert pulled his Ray gun out and prepared to shoot Calvin.

"FOR THE LAST TIME: **GOODBYE CALVIN!**"

The end of Rupert's gun began to glow red.

Calvin gasped.

Suddenly, Socrates dropped something in Calvin's hands.

Calvin looked down at it.

"My MTM?" He asked.

"Oops!" Socrates sighed. "Slipped out of my hands."

Calvin grinned, and hit a button on the MTM.

The hypercube inside it was activated.

All at once, Rupert and Earl were being sucked into the MTM.

"Goobye, Rupert." Calvin grinned.

Rupert's eyes bulged.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

He screamed.

Earl went screaming in first, then, Rupert came tumbling in.

His parting words to Calvin were, "**_I'LL BE BACK, CHILD!_**" His head was sucked in with the rest of his body. "**_COUNT ON IT!_**"

Calvin smiled.

"Alright." Calvin grinned. "Who wants to be sucked in here with their boss?"

From inside the net, several aliens raised their tentacles going "OOOO! OOO! I DO!"

Calvin then began sucking all the aliens inside, while they were going, "WHEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Once Calvin did that, Spiff tapped Calvin on the shoulder.

"Yes?" Calvin asked, turning around.

"This place is weird." Spiff said. "Even more so than your mind."

"Live and learn." Calvin said.

"And I think we want to go back." Tracer said.

"You wanna what?" Calvin asked.

"Yes." Stupendous Man said. "I think that would be best."

"But don't you wanna stay here, and meet my parents?"

"No."

"Good point, neither do I." Calvin considered. "well, OK. well. Goodbye."

"Bye." Spiff said. "Oh and if you ever need us again..."

"We'll call a monster." Hobbes said.

Spiff glared at Hobbes.

Then smoke began to consume the three.

When the smoke cleared, Spiff, Stupendous Man, and Tracer were gone.

Suddenly, Mom, Dad, and the rest of the townsfolk ran up.

"What happened!" Dad demanded. "where's Rupert?"

Calvin grinned at Hobbes.

"He's gone. For good. I hope."

"He's gone?" Mom asked.

"Yes." Calvin said. "I once again defeated Rupert for the fourth time in a row, no thanks to you dumbbells."

Mom and Dad exchanged glances.

"But if you were telling the truth about Rupert... Then what else did you tell the truth about?" Susie asked.

"Well..." Calvin grinned, rolling his eyes around. "There were some extreme truths over there in North Dakota."

Susie's eyes squeezed shut.

"No, I don't think we'll believe that one." Mom said.

"Alright how about the truth about the Noodle Incident?"

"The Noodle what?" Mom asked.

Calvin's eyes bulged.

"WHOA!" he said. "Did I say noodle? Oh ha ha! How silly of me! I didn't say noodles! I said uh... poodle. The Poodle Incident"

"Uh-huh." Dad said.

"No kidding I really did." Calvin grinned.

"Right." Dad said.

Changing the subject, Calvin said, "There's one last thing I have to do."

Calvin held up the MTM.

Mom and Dad exchanged glances.

"A CD player?" They asked in unison.

Calvin raced over to the back of the house, and set the MTM on the ground.

He hit the release button.

All at once, Rupert, Earl, and Earl's crew exploded out of Calvin's MTM, and zoomed into the sky.

"AND STAY AWAY FROM MY PLANET YOU VERMIN!" Calvin screamed as the aliens scrambled aboard their spaceship, and flew away as fast as possible.

Calvin turned and saw Hobbes and Socrates standing next to him.

"Where did you get that spaceship?" Hobbes asked.

"Earl said he sent a cargo hold with all the latest technology from Zok." Calvin said. "I highjacked the ship, and took all the inventions."

He paused.

"Well, all the inventions except for the VVV player. I left that onboard."

"You took all of the alien's technology!" Socrates said, excitedly. "What are you going to do with it all!"

"Oh..." Calvin said, grinning. "I'll find something to do with."

"Oh-no." Hobbes moaned.

_**THE END

* * *

**_

**EPILOGUE

* * *

**

_The townspeople eventually got enough money to rebuild the city._

_Socrates was reunited with whoever he lives with, then celebrated by pranking Calvin into a tree._

_Calvin got all his inventions back (much to the grief of Hobbes) and things started to go back to normal. Almost normal._

_Calvin was treated like a hero for fifteen whole minutes, then everybody went back to their lives._

_Calvin's not even sure if they remember what happened._

_And Rupert? He went back to Zok with Earl and his moronic crew._

_Will Rupert return? Hmmm... That's an interesting question. The answer is even more interesting..._


	16. BONUS CHAPTER

**BONUS**

_**VOICE WORK:**_

_Pamela Segel_ **Calvin/Spaceman Spiff**

_Tom Hanks_ **Hobbes**

_Bill Murray_ **Dad/Galixoid/Stupendous man/Tracer Bullet**

_Eddie Murphy _**Uncle Max**

_Jennifer Love Hewitt _**Mom**

_Ryan Stiles_ **Socrates**

_Jim Carrey _**Kidnapper**

_Tom Kenny _**Earl/other aliens/Nebular**

_Lauren Tom _**Candace**

_Elizabeth Daily_ **Moe**

_Eric Roberts _**John/Rupert Chill**

_Mary Jo Catlett _**Miss Wormwood**

_Dakota Fanning _**Susie**

_Daveigh Chase _**Rosalyn**

_George Clooney _**Mr. Spittle/Calvin's doctor**

_Ben Stine _**Dull voiced aliens**

_Dee Bradley Baker_ **Additional Voices

* * *

**

_**CALVIN'S DICTIONARY**_

A: Noun. 1. the first thing you say when you're singing Your ABC's 2. A grade. Rarely seen, I might add.

Alien: Noun. A form of Bug eyed creature from another planet. Usually evil and weird.

Book Transport: Noun. A box that puts you into books.

Cat: Noun. An animal that purrs, rubs up against you, and will kill you, first chance it gets.

Calvin: Noun. The most perfect person in the universe.

Calvinball: Noun. The most perfect game in the universe.

Dad: Noun. Someone who is really annoying. Usually found riding a bike in the snow, and babbling about character.

Duplicator: Noun. A device used to clone thy self.

Hobbes: Noun. A tiger. Slightly interesting but not half as good as the most perfect person in the universe. Ahem... me.

Mini Duplicator: Noun. A more effective version of the Duplicator. It's more compact, and fits in your pocket.

Mom: Noun. Female person who cares for kid.

Movie Transport: Noun. A box that puts you into movies.

MTM: Noun. Mini Time Machine. A more effective version of the Time Machine.

Socrates: Noun. Another tiger. Very annoying, and laughs a lot. Moron.

Tiger: Noun. A type of cat. supposedly the best kind.

Time Machine: Noun. A box that goes back and forward in time. Enough said.

Time Pauser: Noun. A small yellow device used to stop time.

Transmogrifier: Noun. A box that changes stuff into other stuff.

Transmogrifier Gun: Noun. a gun that changes stuff into other stuff.

* * *

_**TRAILERS:**_

_Narrator: The Trilogy is done._

_(Three claw marks appear on a white sheet)_

_Narrator: But the fun is only beginning!_

_Calvin: YAAAAAAAAAAA!_

_Rupert: AH HA HA HA HA!_

_Narrator: Calvin and Hobbes are back in another unbelievable adventure!_

_Rupert: Your mind is mine, Potentate!_

_Calvin (With red swirling cloud surrounding him): HELP!_

_Narrator: This Time, we flash back to before The second movie!_

_Earl: This is your last stand, Earth leader!_

_(Earl blasts Calvin out of the room with a ray gun)_

_Calvin: YYEEEEK!_

_Narrator: This time, the aliens aren't out for the world!_

_Rupert (surrounded by dinosaurs, aliens, and weird creatures): WAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!_

_Calvin: Rupert's about to destroy this town, and it's all my..._

_(He points at his head.)_

_Calvin: ...Imagination's fault! It ought to be ashamed of itself! The nerve falling to the control of a demented planet dictator!_

_Hobbes: Would you shut up? I'm trying to watch people run around in blind panic on NBC News!_

_Narrator: Calvin and Hobbes are back in..._

_Calvin: Rupert!_

_Hobbes: Calvin!_

_Rupert: Earl?_

_Galixoid: Rupert?_

_Earl: Hobbes!_

_Nebular (cheeirily): NEBULAR!_

_(Calvin, Hobbes, Rupert, Earl and Galixoid give Nebular a blank stare.) _

_Narrator: Only from Fanfiction..._

_Calvin and Hobbes (waking up from sound sleeps): AAAAAAAAAAA!_

_Calvin and Hobbes (Looking at Rupert): AAAAAAAA!_

_Calvin and Hobbes (looking at each other): AAAAAAAAAA!_

_Narrator: From the author SWING123..._

_Rupert: You can't escape, now, potentate!_

_Narrator: With Eric Roberts as the voice of Rupert Chill_

_Calvin: But what if you DON'T want to know what's in my imagination?_

_Rupert: I do._

_Calvin: Do what?_

_Rupert: Want to know what's in your imagination._

_Calvin: But what if you don't want to know?_

_Rupert: Earl? set the blaster on "Huge crater, puff of smoke, and no remaining evidence"._

_Calvin: On the other hand, I have something interesting stuff in my imagination, and maybe you wouldn't mind looking at it?_

_(Drum roll... then clash of cymbals)_

_Narrator: CALVIN AND HOBBES ONE AND ONE HALF: TERROR IN THE TOWN_

_Calvin (as dark clouds gathers around the town): We're doomed._

_Narrator: Rated PG. Coming soon to Fanfiction dot net from Fanfiction productions._

_Hobbes (locked up in dungeon): Help. cry for help._

_(Fanfiction logo flashes onto the screen)_

_(End of trailer)

* * *

_

_**BLOOPERS:**_

_**for**_

**Calvin and Hobbes: The Movie:**

"Ok," The director said. "Calvin and Hobbes: The Movie, TAKE ONE!"

Calvin rushed up to his house.

"FREEE!" He flung the door open.

Hobbes went sailing out, only, he flew over Calvin.

Calvin watched him fly over him.

"Aiming a bit high, Hobbes." Calvin said.

POW!

Hobbes pounced Calvin, landing in the house.

"CUT!" The director yelled.

"TAKE TWO"

Calvin flung the door open.

Nothing happened.

Calvin blinked.

"Um, Hobbes? Perhaps you could come out now?"

"What? Oh yeah."

POW!

Hobbes pounced Calvin.

"CUT!" The director yelled.

(Later)

"Take five million, four hundred thirty three thousand, twelve." The director sighed.

Calvin opened the door.

"I'M HOME!"

ZZT!

Hobbes began the pounce out to high, then he grabbed Calvin by the hair.

"YOW!" Calvin screeched.

"CUT!

"Ok," The director said. "Calvin on roof of girl's cabin. Take one."

Calvin sat on the roof.

Just then, Susie stepped out.

"I can't find Mr Bun!" She yelled.

Calvin did a victory screech, and started pelting Susie with the balloons.

"AAAAAAAA!" Susie screamed. "HELP!"

The alien stepped out of the bushes.

"Is that my cue?" He asked.

"Get back into that bush!" Calvin screamed. "We're not ready for you yet!"

"CUT!" The director screeched.

"Take two!" The director said.

Calvin sat on the roof.

Suddenly the bushes started rattling.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at it in horror.

"Hobbes?"

"Yeah?"

"Is that bush..."

Just then, the alien leaped out of the bushes.

"AAA!" He screamed. "I SAT ON A SHARP STICK!"

"ALIEN!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed, trying to make the best of the alien's mistake.

"What?" The alien asked. "Oh yeah. Hold on! I'm going back into the bushes!"

The alien crawled into the bushes.

"Ok, tell me when I come out."

There was a moment of silence.

"**_CUT!_**" The director screamed.

"Alright." The director said. "Calvin and Hobbes ROCK. Take one."

"We're... we're... WE'RE..."

Calvin leaps up.

"We're Calvin and..."

Calvin looked down. He wasn't holding a guitar.

"Did someone forget to buy the props?" He asked.

"CUT!" The Director shouted.

Calvin came bounding out of the forest.

He tripped on... "YAAAAAH!" CRASH! ...a rock.

Calvin lifted himself from the ground.

"Was that in the script?" He asked.

"Cut." sighed the director.

* * *

**C&H: The Movie,**

**Terror in the Town,**

**Lost at Sea,**

**and**

**Double Trouble**

**are based on"Calvin and Hobbes".**

**The greatest comic strip in the universe.**

**Thank you, Bill Watterson.

* * *

**


End file.
